Saying goodbye isn't always easy, especially when you know it is for good.
I learned recently that a friend/former lover of mine died back in February. While he had been in very poor health for years (cancer and surgery similar to what the late film critic, Roger Ebert had) and I knew he couldn't go on forever, I am still stunned by the news. Surprised that he actually gone and also that I didn't realize it until now. But, since my move to Georgia three years ago, none of his friends who knew me would know how to find me. And, it was past time time for him to leave this earth - he really suffered.
He wove in and out of my life for over 45 years. I met him when I was 12 and he was 17 and he dated my older sister a few times. Later, in my mid-20s we met again. We fell in love. Oh - boy, we fell in love. We did foolish things. He broke my heart, we hurt each other and both made wrong decisions that altered our lives, but the love - oh, that love - was always there. He always had my back. We both knew our relationship wasn't meant to be yet there were times we just kept trying. Times of just friendship, times of beyond friendship, times of just being. A decade could pass without our talking or a year, but no matter the amount of time there we were. And, he was instrumental in helping me make a couple positive, major decisions in my life in the late 1990s for which I will always be thankful.
Sometimes relationships are easy, sometimes they are hard. They can be good and strong and carry though a lifetime. They can be sad, full of secrets and missed chances. Ours was all and more.
Before I left Milwaukee in 2010 we talked. He could still talk, but it was very difficult to understand him. I wanted to see him before I left, but he wouldn't let me. The deforming surgery and toll of his illness would have been difficult for me to see and he didn't want to see the expression in my eyes when I saw his face. We talked several times since my move, but the last was in August, 2012. He never forgot my birthday! He said several things that should have made me realize it would be the last time. He was making a final peace between us, letting me know his love was still there, as well as his regrets. He was letting me go.
So, now it is it time to let him go. At least for this lifetime.
When we first got romantically involved, back in the late 1970s/early 1980s he would always tell me the phrase I wrote below - always in German, his first language. Maybe over the years he told it to others - Lord knows we both had our share of relationships along the way - but maybe not. I'm claiming it. It does relate directly to what he knew I loved. He would whisper it to me in times of sweetness, in times of passion, in times when I was so angry with him and times when he would just turn, smile and say, "Did you know that. . . " And, he knew it always melted my heart. It was one of the very last things he ever said to me.
Sie sind mein Mond
meine Sternen
mein Himmel
mein alles
And, to him I say, "You were always there and always will be. So, until the next time 'round. I'll see you then and we'll finally, finally get it right. Promise."
