I was raised Lutheran - Lutheran Church of America synod, now Evangelical Lutheran Church of America. This is considered the most liberal of the Lutheran synods. My parents were active in our church, especially my father. We went to church every Sunday. I was active in Sunday School. Dad sang in the choir and volunteered in other ways. Mom and I (and my sisters) attended mother and daughter events. I went to church camp for several years during the summers. Church was important to our family. Not all inclusive, but important.
I remember questioning my Sunday School teachers about the stories they told me. Later, as I studied for confirmation, I questioned the pastor. There were things about what the church taught me that just didn't add up in my head. I just didn't "get it." I could not believe unconditionally things that just didn't make sense to me. And, I formed my own ideas that didn't mesh with the teaching of the church. So, after confirmation I pretty much dropped out of church. My parents, while probably disappointed, didn't push me to attend.
Growing up and entering my late teens and 20s, I really tried to find that connections to God, to Jesus, to the church. Nothing. Nada. I believed, but I didn't believe, either. I found no comfort in prayer, I found no connection to God or Jesus. So, I gave up. Yet, I long for this connection, this comfort - what ever it was. Again, I found what I did believe didn't mesh with what I had been taught at church.
In my 30s I found the Unitarian Universalist (UU) Church. Ah, ha! Here I could find my own spiritual path and be accepted. I was encouraged to think beyond Christianity, to search, to find my own way. At this time the UU churches were offering a curriculum for women called, "Cakes for the Queen of Heaven." It encouraged women to find the feminine in the divine. Well, HELLO! Finally I found something I could grasp, I could understand. I could relate to God better by thinking of God as a woman. I learned about ancient spiritual beliefs, when women where honored and respected. I started a Women's Spirituality group in my church. Later, two of my dear friends that I had made at church became facilitators in the follow up to the "Cakes for the Queen of Heaven" course entitled, "Rise Up and Call Her Name" and offered it at my church. Hence, my wonderful "church ladies" groups really came to be.
I was asked to serve on the UU Women and Religion Committee (W&R) for the Central Midwest District, which I did for four years. I helped to plan UU women's conference and retreats. It was a huge learning time for me. A time of self discovery and major changes in my life. I grew spirituality by leaps and bounds, but not in the traditional way. I began to see my higher power, my God, in nature. I loved these conferences and retreat. I met wonderful women and learned so much.
However, after serving on the W&R committee I felt burned out. My church underwent conflicts due to the minister and many members, including my some of my friends, left to start a new UU church further west of the great Milwaukee area. My other friends scattered to different UU churches. While I considered myself a UU and still do, I stopped attending the church. I got antsy in church (and still do when I attend). I wanted the services over quickly so I could get out and get going. I found the conferences and retreats I helped plan and so loved attending, meaningless. Same old thing. I could no longer relate to what they had to offer.
Now what? I still loved getting together with my church ladies and found our seasonal rituals very meaningful. Yet, I was floating, spiritually. Then slowly, very slowly I began to "get it."
And, what I "got" was the realization that for me, the divine was all around me. It was in nature. If you have been reading my blog for a while, you will remember posts where I talk about this. How I found moments of pure grace while digging in my garden. Watching the wind in the trees, a hawk soar, crocuses pushing out of the frozen ground in spring, brought me closer to God than any church or group ever could. It was all right there - if I chose to look at it.
I don't believe in labels. I am not a "witch." I am not a Pagan (although this more defines my beliefs than anything else), I am not a Christian, but I do embrace the general teachings that the Lutheran church taught me. I have a dear friend who had a calling/interest in Shamanism. She paid a lot money to study it. She loved it and it brought her peace, but some how I can't understand paying money to "learn" or study a spiritual path. It has to come from within. I believe, as do the Quakers, that God in not only all around us, but deep within us. We just have to listen to our inner self and be aware of what is all around us.
I believe in God, in a hundred million guises. I believe Jesus existed, walked this Earth and was a great teacher. The son of God? No. I believe God gave us many, many teachers - some contemporary ones like Gandhi, Mother Theresa and others such as Mohammad, Buddha, Kwan Yin. And, since I believe the divine is in all of us, we are each other's spiritual teachers.
In the past 6-7 months some pretty wonderful things have happened to me. But, also, some very awful things, too. I have been an emotional wreck and more depressed than I have ever been in my life. Here in Georgia, after the hot weather broke, I started working on my garden (more on that in another post). One day I had a complete melt down while planting shrubs. I ranted and raved. I cussed. I cried. What did my boyfriend die? My anger towards his actions came out and I vented. Why did my doggie girls, Gracie and Lucy Lou, have to die within three weeks of each other? I dug, I cried, I planted, I cussed. I watered and I screamed (good thing no neighbors were around). I laid on the grass and sobbed. After I was done and my triad over, I came in the house and looked at myself in the mirror. My face was covered with dirt and tear streaked. I had dirt in my hair, which was all matted. I looked so bad I had to laugh. I took a shower, slept for a couple of hours and woke up knowing I had turned a corner.
Since then I have slowly began moving forward. The depression has lifted and my emotional well being has greatly improved. And, I am happy to say that all of the plants I planted that day are thriving. Me, too. It took digging in the ground to dig out all the bad emotions in me.
I greatly respect those who find comfort in Jesus. I greatly respect those who are active in their various churches, what ever church they belong to, who walk the walk and talk the talk. I have no problem with the names people have to show their beliefs - I am a Christian, I am a Muslim, I am a Hindu, I am a Pagan. I encourage everyone to find their paths.
I also know that at this time in my life "belonging" or "joining" a UU church isn't in the cards. This may change in the future, but for now I am content to attend a UU church on occasion and maybe volunteer with some of the activities like I did last month when my sister's UU church had their annual rummage sale.
To thine own self be true.
We all need to find our own paths. We all need to respect each other on this journey. This is/was my journey. I will continue to explore and learn about my beliefs. Now, as I look at my window and watch a chickadee at the feeder I know I am on the right path. I have found peace.
