Cleaning House

I basically missed spring cleaning this year. Most of the month of May, my normal spring cleaning time, was spent traveling. Not a bad way to get out of deep cleaning my house.

However, I did a lot of "self" spring cleaning. And, I really needed it.

I consider myself a sentimental person. I treasure the antiques that I have that have been passed on from my family members, mostly now long gone. Even the cheap, little knick knacks that have no real value except that maybe it once sat on my Grandma's window over the sink, holds special meaning to me.

Therefore, it is not surprising that I hold on to other things as well - mainly relationships long over. And, as part of hanging on to the relationships, I hung on to the things that came along with the relationships - pictures, cards, notes, etc.

It was strongly pointed out to me  that I need to discard all the "stuff" that was cluttering up not only my drawers, but my emotional well being as well. How could I move on with him, if this "stuff" was still around. True - tucked aways here and there, but still around.

In April I did a purging of all these items. My shredder was in high gear as I discarded the pictures, the cards, the notes. My computer deleted files as well. Since I had things tucked all over the place, I went through drawers, files, cubbards - all over my house.

Some things I barely glanced at as I loaded it into the shredder. A few pictures, I spent a moment or two looking at. I did read a card given to me over 8 years ago. It brought back a little sadness and then a annoynance. I wondered why I held on to it all these years. It, too, went into the shredder with no regrets.

Letting go of this stuff was long overdue. As with the card, I wondered why I still had them. There were some pictures of men I am well rid of. The cards and notes no longer had any meaning to me.

Once it was done I sat back and felt, well - I felt free. I felt clean. The dust had been wiped clean, the cobwebs removed.

Now the real work begins. Actually, it started at the same time as when I shredded everything. The "outside" stuff was removed. Now, I had to start working on the "inside" stuff. Like - why did I hang on to "things" that no longer had meaning? Why did I still have occasional contact with men from old relationships?

Self questioning, exploring one's inner self is good, is difficult, is scary and is necessary. Issues and feelings I avoided dealing with came crashing down on me this winter/early spring. Self discovery and letting go has been an important part of my growth.

By finally letting go, by finally getting rid of old "stuff" and old relationships, I now find I am open to and able to receive the love, trust and joy I have found in my relationship with the man I have been waiting for all of my life. And, I am able to return it to him, to give to him a heart that is finally open, uncluttered and free to give. What a gift this has been!

Maybe I'll thoroughly clean my house this fall and maybe I won't. However, I won't let the dust and cobwebs collect on me, on my sense of who I am and what I want. I will no longer hold on to the past and will keep my heart open towards the future.