Family Dynamics

It seems the last couple of years my family is falling apart.


There have been a lot of changes starting with my Mom's death in 2003.


A year later my sister and her husband moved to Atlanta, where their two sons settled years before. Sue and Marty's house was always the place where large family events took place that included both families- holidays, birthdays, picnics. So, this alone had a huge impact. No more place to gather, no more semi-regular merging of two families, who had spent so many years and so many celebrations together.


Not that I blame or resent Sue and Marty for moving. They had retired and why stay in Wisconsin when they could be closer to their sons and also in a much better climate? They have a beautiful home outside of Atlanta and have made a wonderful life for themselves. They are happy and I am happy for them. I love visiting them, which I do often.



Through circumstances I won't explain and which I truly don't fully understand, my nephew and his wife withdrew from his parents life in Georgia. They have chosen not to be involved and to keep their children apart from their grandparents. The hurt and pain this has caused my sister and brother-in-law is enormous. They have been great parents to both their sons and welcomed their daughter-in-law into the family. They were thrilled with their son's choice of a wife and when their first grandchild was born - well, there would be no better people to be grandparents then they are. Although they understand that there were some problems and misunderstandings, they have tried to make things work. Yet all attempts by them to rectify the situation, including the suggestion family counseling, have been shot down.

This, too, had a huge effect on the both sides of the extended family, probably more so than my nephew and his wife could ever imagine. It put the rest of us in bad positions. From my own stand point, I truly love my nephew and his wife. They are great people and wonderful and loving parents. Their two kids are adorable and I love them so much. While I am usually able to spent an hour or two when I am down visiting, it is awkward. It is like the proverbial "elephant in the room." We are friendly and try to talk about everything else except the relationship that has been severed. And, I always feel I am on a tightrope. Will they someday shut me out, too? I simply don't understand. My nephew was raised in a loving home, the same home that included all of the great family gatherings. How can he just walk away from all of us?


My sisters and I were raised in a family that, while small, always included the aunts, uncles and cousins. I have such great memories of my grandparents and extended family. We all feel strongly about "family." All of my nephews have wonderful memories of their grandparents and great grandparents. Yet, here I have a great nephew and niece who don't even know their grandparents and maybe have a slight memory of me. I don't get it.


In the past year or so, my other sister, Linda, has had a string of bad luck. Starting with a couple of injuries that prevented her from working, her life has spiraled downward. She has made some bad choices throughout her life and, to be honest, a little difficult to deal with. But, she also had a big heart and in her own way, a loving nature.

Recent events involving my father, which I also won't explain in detail, has caused a huge rift and complete mistrust of Linda. Legal action was involved. Her actions have been totally unacceptable and hugely disappointing to Sue, t me and to our family. This has caused a complete alienation between my two sisters. And while I am sorely disappointed in Linda, there is still slight communication between us. Yet, from what I see, she is still making bad decisions regarding what she does and with whom she spends her time with. And because of her actions and her own anger (at what I don't know), she has alienated herself from her best friend and other parts of her family. Linda alone has caused this, but she is blaming everyone else. As I know, it is easier to blame others than to take a good hard look at yourself and admit you were wrong. And even harder yet to apologise and make amends. She denies any wrong doing and refused to make amends. In her own words, "I won't kiss anyone's ass." Oh, well . . . we all make our own choices in life.


Then there is my other nephew, my sister's son. He, too, can be a very loving and caring person and has been very helpful to me. He is a good father to his children and loves his wife. He is a hard worker and has become a very impressive "handy man." Yet, it seems that he, too, is full of anger. How many phone calls have I received where he is yelling at me or venting about someone else. How many times has he screamed at me only to hang up the phone. He will get the whole family upset and by the next day or so, act as though nothing is wrong. The attitude is, "Oh, well - you know how I am." Again, very much like his mother, he can hear only what he wants to hear and interpret things the way he "hears" them, not as they were said. My sister and brother-in-law have also been the victims of this verbal abuse and have now stepped away from his life. While they love him and his family and feel terrible about having to come to this decision, for them "enough is enough." What he doesn't understand is that after yeas of his bursts of anger and verbal ranting, we are all getting tired of dealing with it. Now, let me say one thing on his behalf. He is trying to control these "rants." However, it might very well be too little, too late.


I feel that someone in the family has to keep communication open between all of us and have tried, not to much success, to be that one. Not that I am perfect. I have said things I shouldn't have and have done things that weren't in the best interest of myself or my family. I know that I,too, have caused problems over the years. Yet, I love my family - my sisters, my nephews and the "greats" (nephews and nieces). Sometimes I feel very bewildered all that has transpired.


But, I am getting tired. Tired of the drama of being yelled at over the phone. Tired of feeling on pins and needles when I only want to spend time with my "greats" and make sure they know me and how much I love them. Tired of trying to understand how a son who was raised by such loving and supportive parents can shut the door on them. Tired of dealing with a sister who prefers men who abuse her and to hang out with people who abuse drugs and alcohol. Worse of all, whose actions jeopardised our father's well-being. Tired of being screamed at and having my words, and the words of other, twisted into other meanings.

Someone very wise once said, "You are a reflection of those you people surround yourself with."

Several years ago a woman I know told me that after her mother died she would no longer have any contact with several of her siblings and their families. She said she had had a lifetime of dealing with their dramas and problems which include illegal activities, drug and alcohol abuse. While her mother is still alive she feels obligated to see with them on a limited bases such as holidays and a few family events. But, all that will stop one day and her relationship with them would be over. Permanently.

I questioned this friend. How could she walk away from family? She told me to ask myself a hypothetical question. If I had the chance to met members of my family - not knowing who they were - and spend an hour with each of them, long enough that I got a feel of what type of a person they were, how many of them would I really choose to see again? How many of them would I want as my friends, to be a part of my life? Would I really want to associate with some of them?


Now I am beginning to understand. And while I will aways hope there will be resolution and will always feel it is wrong purposely keep some family members apart, especially where children are involved, the drama is getting old. I know every family goes through difficult times, arguments and stress. Yet, hopefully, we grow together and as we do, more understanding develops. But, if people don't want to try to resolve problems, try to understand the hurt they cause and do something about it, I can't keep trying to make it work.

Within the next two years I will be making major life changes including marriage, retirement and a move to Georgia. I will be a 1,000 miles away from a portion of my family and within a couple of hours to others. Maybe things will be better. Maybe they won't. Maybe I, too, will have to say "enough is enough."

I hope not.