Love

I haven't had the best luck when it comes to love in relationships.

Well, that's not exactly true.  I have been in and have received wonderful, fabulous love.  I have seen stars, been giddy and have truly, deeply loved and have had that love returned to me.  More than once.  So, I really shouldn't complain as there are many people who have never felt this type of all consuming love or if they have, it wasn't reciprocated (been there, too). 

I loved my husband, Bill.  It was a good love, steady and true.  I'd like to think that if he had made some life style changes, similar to what I made during our marriage, we would still be together.  He didn't.  We divorced.  I'm alive.  He's not.  It's sad.  He has been gone for over six years and I still miss him.

I have been loved by men I treated unfairly, much to my sorrow.  I have loved men that didn't deserve my  love and treated me unfairly.  I have been loved and then unloved.  I have been truly loved.

So, I have my experience with love.  Good, bad, nice, sweet - all of it.  And, I'm alone. 

I want love in my life again.  I've stepped back from relationships, retired, moved to a new state, established a good and happy life here, have a great part time job, have friends (both new and old).  I have a good life.  I go out, I do things,  my life is good.  And, I am happy.

But.  And, there is that BUT.  I want love, too. 

A lot of my women friends think I am crazy.  When I posted on FaceBook a wild post of the love I am seeking, several advised me to get another dog.  They were serious.  Hmmmm. . . . sorry, I want a man who stands on 2 legs.  No parrots, either (one friend suggested parrots at least talk more then most men!).

I decided to put it out to the universe.  I writing about the love I yearn for here on my blog and in a journal.  I light candles at night to help send the energy out.  In my journal I wrote specifics - real nitty, gritty stuff.  But, here it is in a nutshell.  I know it may take months or even years (although I hope not), and maybe I am being school girl silly, but I've witnessed good, solid love (my parents, my sister and brother-in-law) and I want it, too.  There is probably too many "I want's" listed below.  But, it's all true.  This is want I want.

I want love. Head over heels, crazy love.  I want to see stars, hear bells and whistles.  I want my heart to pound when he calls me.  I want to go breathless at his kisses.  I want to bore all of my friends when I talk about how great he is.  I want my toes to curl when he kisses me (he can knock my socks off, too).  I want him to feel the same for me.

I want romance.  I want nice dinners at great restaurants, I want breakfast at Cracker Barrel.  I want to cook for him and for him to grill steaks out for me.  I want to cook together.  I want sweet cards and little notes found under my pillow.  I want him to call me "just because."  I want flowers delivered and presented.  I want to send him silly Hallmark cards and find things I know he will like and surprise him.  I want poetry and our favorite song.  I want to slow dance in my kitchen with him and share desserts with him (and for those that know me, I do not share desserts!).

I want crazy, wild sex.  I want sweet and purse sex.  I want him to come over and surprise me because he can't get enough of me.  I want him to look at this 56 year old body and think I am beautiful.

I want reality, too.  I want to talk and share feelings together.  I want laughter and giddiness, but also tears and sharing our feelings, fears and issues together.  I want soul searching conversations and simple "how was your day?" talks.  I want to get pissed off at him, knowing that all will be forgiven.  I want to watch him spit out his tooth paste, cut his toenails and  scratch his butt and still love him.  I want to care for him when he is sick and for him to hand me my Puffs when I have a cold.  I want my neck rubbed and feet rubbed and I want to rub his temples when he has a headache.

I want family stories. I want to get to know his kids and grandkids (if he has them), I want family time with his siblings and mine. Holidays, birthdays, vacations all spent together or alone. It's all good.

I want to grow old with someone.  Develop a history together, build a life.  I want to look back and say that he was the best thing that ever happened to me.  I want him to feel the same.

I want to love and be loved  one more time and let it last until I die.

There it is.  Let it come.