Time to Move On

The other night while ice bound and bored,  I started searching for people on Facebook and came across a man I dated briefly a few years ago. 

We dated at a time when Phil had pushed me away and encouraged me to move on.  I met Ken.  Ken is a great guy and we hit it off right away.  I enjoyed his company and things moved fast.  But, there was always Phil lurking in my background.  To summarize, Phil decided he wanted me after all, I treated Ken terribly and went off with Phil.  And, when I say I treated Ken terribly, I truly did.  And, I have always, always regretted what I did to him.

Fast forward.  Ken met someone.  He got married, thought things were great, but is now going through a divorce after only a couple years of marriage.  Phil is dead and I have learned more about him than I really cared to learn.  I'm still grieving and licking my wounds.  I retired and moved to Georgia.  The past 8 months have been hard for me.  I have made friends in my new community, but haven't gotten out as much as I should/could have.  It's been a self-imposed hibernation.  But, I am starting to wake up.  And, it hasn't been all bad.  I did what I needed to do.

So, I messaged Ken and waited, hoped for a reply.  Let me say I really mistreated this man and I figured he would either not respond to me or give me a piece of his mind.  But, he did respond and was very gracious and kind.  More so than I deserve.  He even gave me his email and phone number.  And, I called.

His divorce hurt him.  Sounds like they had a great marriage while it lasted and the divorce came out of the blue.  He was deeply hurt.  Yet, he seemed very concerned about me, what I have been through and how I was coping.    We talked about our families, our lives and traveling.  We talked about our dogs, relationships and coping.  It was good talking to him.  He always had a kindness and a gentleness about him that made me feel so very comfortable.  For a minute, for a second I thought . . .

But, he had to run.  He was going on a date with a woman he really likes.  And, in all truthfulness, I am not ready to date.  Even with the time and distance between us, it wasn't meant to be.  I wish him well, though.  Of all people, Ken deserves happiness.  So, do I.  And, we won't find it together.  But, maybe we can be friends.  Maybe our mutual broken hearts will help heal each other.  And, maybe I need to get out more rather than spend all my evenings at home with the dogs.

I have been thinking of Phil - who I still cry over - a lot lately.  It's funny how the grieving process works, sometimes I hardly think of him and other times it seems he is all I think about.  And with thinking of Ken, too - who is someone that probably should have been -  brought me to this verse from a poem by William Wordsworth  It's bittersweet, but right now so am I.  And, it is time for me to move on.

What though the radiance which was once so bright

Be now for ever taken from my sight,

Though nothing can bring back the hour

Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;

We will grieve not, rather find

Strength in what remains behind...