Time to Move On

The other night while ice bound and bored,  I started searching for people on Facebook and came across a man I dated briefly a few years ago. 

We dated at a time when Phil had pushed me away and encouraged me to move on.  I met Ken.  Ken is a great guy and we hit it off right away.  I enjoyed his company and things moved fast.  But, there was always Phil lurking in my background.  To summarize, Phil decided he wanted me after all, I treated Ken terribly and went off with Phil.  And, when I say I treated Ken terribly, I truly did.  And, I have always, always regretted what I did to him.

Fast forward.  Ken met someone.  He got married, thought things were great, but is now going through a divorce after only a couple years of marriage.  Phil is dead and I have learned more about him than I really cared to learn.  I'm still grieving and licking my wounds.  I retired and moved to Georgia.  The past 8 months have been hard for me.  I have made friends in my new community, but haven't gotten out as much as I should/could have.  It's been a self-imposed hibernation.  But, I am starting to wake up.  And, it hasn't been all bad.  I did what I needed to do.

So, I messaged Ken and waited, hoped for a reply.  Let me say I really mistreated this man and I figured he would either not respond to me or give me a piece of his mind.  But, he did respond and was very gracious and kind.  More so than I deserve.  He even gave me his email and phone number.  And, I called.

His divorce hurt him.  Sounds like they had a great marriage while it lasted and the divorce came out of the blue.  He was deeply hurt.  Yet, he seemed very concerned about me, what I have been through and how I was coping.    We talked about our families, our lives and traveling.  We talked about our dogs, relationships and coping.  It was good talking to him.  He always had a kindness and a gentleness about him that made me feel so very comfortable.  For a minute, for a second I thought . . .

But, he had to run.  He was going on a date with a woman he really likes.  And, in all truthfulness, I am not ready to date.  Even with the time and distance between us, it wasn't meant to be.  I wish him well, though.  Of all people, Ken deserves happiness.  So, do I.  And, we won't find it together.  But, maybe we can be friends.  Maybe our mutual broken hearts will help heal each other.  And, maybe I need to get out more rather than spend all my evenings at home with the dogs.

I have been thinking of Phil - who I still cry over - a lot lately.  It's funny how the grieving process works, sometimes I hardly think of him and other times it seems he is all I think about.  And with thinking of Ken, too - who is someone that probably should have been -  brought me to this verse from a poem by William Wordsworth  It's bittersweet, but right now so am I.  And, it is time for me to move on.

What though the radiance which was once so bright

Be now for ever taken from my sight,

Though nothing can bring back the hour

Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;

We will grieve not, rather find

Strength in what remains behind...

Almost Over, New Beginnings

My wonderful brother-in-law, Marlon, all tuckered out after playing Santa

Another holiday season comes to a close. If you are like me this year, it is a relief! That isn't to say that I didn't have great holidays . . . I did. But, it will be nice to settle into a routine again.

My Thanksgiving was awesome - spent in Mesa, Arizona with gal pal, Nancy. Christmas week was in Atlanta. Suzanne, Marlon, Paul and I had a quiet holiday, but nice. The week was very busy.

Caroling in Suzanne's subdivision. It was fun, but I lip synced!

This New Year's Eve will be spent at home, quilting. My gal pal, Amy, was going to come up, but I have a cold and am not sleeping well. I'm tired and just want and need to be alone. Amy, too, is not feeling well. I think we both will spend most of this weekend in our jammies. I know I will be quilting and resting. I hope she starts to feel better, too.

A wild New Year's Eve at my house. Suits me fine!

I need to reflect on what I want to be, where I see myself a year from now, what goals I need to achieve. 2010 will be a banner year, with retirement in August, selling my house and moving to a different state. Throw in a very troubled relationship and it makes an interesting mix.


A big portion of this mix will be resolved within the next week or so. One way or another it will have huge impact on my life. I've been stalled at this fork in the road for a long, long time. Soon the path will be clear and time to start moving forward.

When I "googled" New Beginnings, this picture came up. It is awesome and very appropriate for me! I love it!

No resolutions. Life can change too much for that! Just goals, more hopes, aspirations and dreams. A new direction, a new reality. I think I better fasten my seat belt. 2010 is going to be be an interesting ride.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

I am here in Mesa, AZ - staying with my good friend, Nancy. It's been a great vacation. Well - except the trip to the Urgent Care Clinic on Sunday, due to my allergic reaction to her kitty! The weather is just beautiful and we have been all over the area. I have also seen my sister, Linda, and we will all spend today together. (More on this trip when I get home).

Last night Nancy and I watched Slum Dog Millionaire together. It is a great movie and I highly recommend it. At one point - watching the poverty of India - I looked over at Nancy and said, "Thank God we were born in the United States!"

I have so very many things to be grateful for and I will spare you the list as it is long! But today my thoughts will drift to all of the wonderful things in my life - past, present and future - and I will be filled with awe and gratitude.

I am a very blessed woman.

A Stole for Lori

I first met Lori in the early 1990s while we were both attending Unitarian Universalist Church-West in Brookfield, WI. I started a Women's Spirituality Group, Lori joined and we became friends. A few years later, Lori and Sharon (another Church Lady) facilitated a 13-week curriculum for women entitled Rise Up and Call Her Name. It is from this group that the "Church Ladies "officially " began.

Almost from the start I think we all realized Lori had Unitarian Universalist minister potential. Our group presented several church services over the years, which were very well received and which Lori had a huge role in organizing. And, there was something in Lori that just made us feel she had the calling. But, life can sometimes get in the way of thoughts and suggestions. Lori and her husband had three young children and were busy people. Also, as the Brookfield church grew, a group left the church and started Lake Country UU Church, about 40 miles to the west. Lori and her husband are charter members and became active is developing this successful church.

Time moves on, kids get older and thoughts/yearnings turn into solid ideas and actions. A few years ago, Lori announced that she had been accepted in the Chicago Theological Seminary. This program better suited her schedule and needs better Meadville Lombard , the UU theological seminary in Chicago. She was able to take classes at Meadville and CTS would accept her credits. After three years of studies and a one year internship at a UU church, Lori could become a UU minister.

To the Church Ladies this was a no-brainer. We knew Lori would make a fabulous UU minister and while the seminary would be challenging, we know she could do it. And, she did. When it came time for an internship, Lori landed Olympia Brown UU Church in Racine, WI with one of the best ministers UU has to offer.

Around this time, the Church Ladies began to think of what we could do for Lori as a "congratulations" for all of her hard work and dedication. We decided on a clerical stole. I contacted and worked with Jenna, from Cotton Patch Designs, out of Texas. This company normally works with Christian ministers, and I think Jenna was a little curious about designing a UU stole, especially one as specific as we wanted. But Jenna listened to what we wanted and designed a beautiful stole. Jenna was great to work with. She is an artist!

Yet, Lori had one more hurdle. The last part of the UU ministerial program is a grueling panel interview, which included Lori giving a sermon, at the UU headquarters in Boston, MA. Lori and her husband flew east. Again, we had no doubt. And, Lori passed with flying colors. She will be officially ordained as a UU minister this spring.

At our Church Lady gathering on Halloween, we presented Lori with her stole. Represented on it are the Church Ladies (circle of women) Unitarian Universalism (flaming chalice), earth, air, fire and water (ground/trees, swirls, stars and river). Inside is a quote from one of Lori's favorites, Vietnamese Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh. The back has the pink ribbon of a breast cancer survivor along with the Chinese symbols for strength and hope. Also, stitched inside is all of our names. You may click on the pictures for a more detailed view - it's worth it!

It is a beautiful stole, but not as beautiful as Lori.

A Whole Lotta Witches

My Halloween panel

Church ladies without me

Last night my "church lady" friends came over for our annual celebration of Halloween. It is a tradition we meet at my house for Halloween (Joanne's for Winter Solstice, Kristin's for Summer Solstice, Janet's for Lammas, etc.). We try to meet according to the Earth-based spiritual celebrations. While many of us consider our spiritual paths Earth-based, not all of us do. We have a wide variety of spiritual beliefs (Christian, Buddhist, Jewish, Earth-based to name a few) and we respect each others individuality. Our gatherings are always meaningful and fun. Halloween is the one time we "dress up." What fun!

Church Ladies with me (and Gracie, Lucy Lou being camera shy)

We had a great surprise when Nikki showed up! Nikki, a founding member of the Church Ladies, moved back home to Chico, California about 2 years ago. Although we all communicate via our yahoo group, it's not the same as having her here with us. It was great to see her.

It was also a very special night was we had another surprise for one of our group, Lori. More about that on my next post.

Amy & me show off our great hats we bought together at Cracker Barrel.

We had a great potluck, we checked in with each other and we honored the holiday by talking about our experiences with loved one who have passed. Lori read 2 beautiful poems.


I will never be able to express how much these women mean to me. To quote a song, "They are the wind beneath my wings." I love them one and all.

Changes are A-Coming

For many months now I have started to feel a shift coming in my life. I've basically been hibernating for well over a year. I realized I have cut myself off from friends and have stayed focused on being at home, my dogs, my relationship and quilting. While I probably needed to do this for many reasons, it is time to dig deep, think about what I truly want, what is good for me and to start the crawl out of my cave. Now that I will be retiring in 10 months, this is even more true and important. My sister, Suzanne, who retired 10 years ago, has aways said that when you retire you need to almost reinvent yourself because your life changes so much. And, it is time I regroup, hang on, let go and take stock in my life. I have let important things slip. My spirituality has suffered. I've put on over 25 pounds. I've lost touch with friends.

Yet, wonderful things are going on, too. Fun things I enjoy and look forward to. I recognize that I have a lot of blessing in my life and am very grateful. I don't feel terribly depressed or in angst, but rather adrift and in need of grounding.

The other day I took the long way home from work. I drove along Lake Michigan. It was another rainy, dreary day. The lake was all different shades of gray and white. The waves, while it was not terribly windy outside, were huge. I was mesmerized. If I hadn't had to get home to let the dogs out I would have pulled into one of the lakefront parking lots and sat there for a while. Maybe because I felt like those waves. Gray, turbulent, pounding on the surf only to be pulled out and pound again. Maybe because I realized that the lake will once again be sparkling blue and calm. And, so will I. This is part of the ebb and flow of nature, on which I based my deepest spirituality on.

Over the course of the next few weeks I will be journaling, blog style, trying to figure things out for myself. Some of you readers have known me a long time. Some only through out quilting interests and for a few months. I would appreciate all of your input while I go through this process.

Life is a journey. I just need to figure out which path to take at this particular time.

Glads for Mom

My Dad was a very romantic fellow. My Mom was a unsentimental woman. However, I think she did appreciate Dad's romance even though as young kids we girls would have never known it.

Every year at this time Dad would bring Mom home oodles of gladiolas. She loved them. She got that little twinkle in her eyes. Ahhh, I think it paid off for Dad!

After they retired, much to our amazement, Mom got a little more lovey dovey. She would actually kiss (a little peck) Dad in front of us. They held hands a lot, both when walking or if they were sitting next to each other and their genuine affection for each other was much more evident. It was fun watching them.

In one way I got the best of both of them. I'm a romantic and I'm very sentimental.

So, to pay tribute for the the deep love and respect my parents had for each other, every year at this time I purchase at least one bunch of glads.

I know my eyes twinkle just looking at these beautiful flowers!

Visit to the Cemetery

On Sunday, after I had been home for a while, I decided to drive over to The Patched Works to purchase backing material for my Jars Aplenty project. Well, they were closed for the holiday weekend. I knew this, but forgot. However, I wasn't the only goofball as 2 other cars drove into the parking lot as I was pulling out. Two other disappointed women!

Since I was sort of on the right side of town I decided to visit the cemetery, Wisconsin Memorial Park. I hadn't been there since my father died in November and I knew the headstone for both my parents was now in place and that one of us girls should check it out and make sure all was in order. Plus, it was time I went.

There is something about cemeteries I kind of like. Peaceful, obviously, but to me they are calming, too.

My Mom died in 2003 and was cremated. My father also wanted to be cremated and their wish was to have their ashes mingled and then to be buried together. We kept Mom's ashes in Georgia at my sister's house until Dad died and then followed their wishes. Their headstone was picked out by Dad after Mom's death. It is really pretty - with trees and mountains. It is easy to tell that Dad picked it out.

It was weird, though, seeing both their names on the headstone. There was a finality to it. They are in the family plot, next to my grandparents and my uncle and aunt, as well as other family members. My ex-husband, Bill, is buried there, with my family, as well.

It was a lovey day out and they are all right under a large oak tree. I sat down and cried a bit. I really miss my parents. I also had a good talk with all of them, asking for their strength, love and guidance. I have been feeling like I am approaching a crossroads in my life. There are decisions coming up that I need to make that will affect the rest of my life. I needed to be grounded by them. I needed the stillness and beauty of the cemetery. It felt good. It felt right. I didn't get any immediate responses from them (smile), but I know I will.

I think I will go back several more times before the snow falls this year. I feel the strength and solidarity of them surrounding me. It's a good feeling.

Sad Day

I am not a political person. Those who know me well know that I hate politics and I do not intend to use this blog as a "soap box" to voice my views.

However, today I find it necessary to speak out.

I find it extremely sad that the California Supreme Court upheld the ban on gay marriage. I find it even sadder than the people of California voted against gay marriage. Wishy washy.

To the state of California I have this to say:

"Shame on you."

What I'm up to in the world of quilting

A few months ago I joined a mystery quilt group. We meet at Ye Olde School House once a month and get "clues" as to the lap quilt we are making. We were given instructions as to what material to purchase and the yardage needed. Every month we get a new clue or two. I originally decided to make a larger quilt, so I doubled every thing. Now I have changed my mind and will make two lap quilts, one for myself and one to give away. The ladies are great and very friendly and I am enjoying this process and making new friends. Here are 3 completed blocks. Considering we now have used up all of the material we cut, I'm trying to figure out how these 3 blocks (there are many of each one) will all go together to make the quilt. But, that is part of the fun. Stay tuned!

I also started an Elizabeth Sampler class at the same shop. I have the same wonderful teacher, Diane, as I did in my first two quilting classes. I purchased all shabby chic material. Here are the first 2 blocks. One is the friendship star and the other is the churn dash patterns.

Click on the pictures to really see the fabic.

Today I will start cutting a Peter Rabbit themed baby quilt for Phil's granddaughter, Gianna Rose. It is in pinks and yellows. And, I have to sew binding on a table runner, wall hanging and queen sized quilt.

I'm busy!

Something Sparkly

My very loving, Philip, gave me a cute snowman pin and a top of the line GPS system for Christmas and well as some money with the instructions to, "buy yourself some sparkly while you are in Georgia for the holidays."

Now, usually this would not be hard for me to do. And, since my sister, Suzanne, and I have been shopping in stores within a 200 mile radius of her house, you think by now I would have found something sparky. And, I have looked.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, however you want to look at it) we have been to many quilting stores in our travels. And, I have bought material. One pattern is gem colored dragon flies that I will turn into something for a bed and I bought a blue and white patterned quilt kit that will make up into a "china plates" lap quilt.

But today, while in Marietta at the Red Hen Quilt shop I found beautiful, slightly Asian inspired, dragon fly material with matching green and gold material. Very soft, very pretty and elegant. This is exactly the material I have been looking for to make a king size quilt. The quilt will be used in the house that Phil and I will be building. I bought over 11 yards of it, plus 4 yards of each of the coordinating materials. Well, I'm figuring the quilt, pillows, etc. for our master bedroom. And, the material does have a slight gold thread running through it. There's the sparkle.

I find this a little scary. Spending my "holiday" gift money on something other than a nice piece of jewelry or even shoes?

As I said in previous posts, I am hooked on quilting. This trip proved it!

An Odd Christmas In Deed

I'm in Suwanee, GA, which is outside of Atlanta, spending the Christmas holiday with my sister, Sue, and her family. Those around the dinner table on the 25th will include 4 UU's, one Pagan and one Jew. Should be a hoot!

In any event, I am out of Wisconsin and today it will be 60 degrees here. Sue and I are driving up to a little mountain town to do some last minute shopping. I won't have boots on or a scraf, mittens or a hat. It's wonderful.

Phil is back in Illinois, sick with the flu and buried under snow. I am worried sick about him, but his kids are with him and he is going into the doctor today.

My doggie sitter, Mary Sue, has already paid a neighborhood kid twice to shovel my sidewalks. Oh, well . . .

I'll be back on Sunday. Maybe.

Letting Go

My father is now is hospice care. He has been for a few weeks now.

I thought increasing his care to include hospice would be more difficult that it was. The social worker, Jenny, was very caring and understanding. She went over all of the details with me. I signed lots of forms (my sister’s and I have Power of Attorney and Power of Health) and she explained what this would mean to my Dad’s general care.

He will stay in the same room he is currently in. The same nurses will care for him on a daily basis. Hospice workers, very familiar with the facility, will come in and give additional care – adding to what he is already receiving. There are additional support people – nurses, various therapists including a music therapist, social worker, Chaplin, etc.

My Dad is now 90 with Alzheimer’s. In May and June he had a couple of seizures, which affected his ability to control his tremors, especially in his hands and arms. More recently, there have been times where his arms move in a “flapping” motion. His right leg jerks almost constantly. He has gone down hill rapidly, especially since his 90th birthday on July 23.

The main hospice nurse, Jay, calls me several times a week. He has been around for years at the health care center where Dad is and got to know him well before his decline. He is shocked and sad to see Dad in his current condition. He feels Dad doesn’t have too much time left, but wants him to be more comfortable. Jay has been adjusting Dad’s meds to get his muscle to relax and the spasms to cease. Now, these nurses know what they are taking about. This is their job and they understand the signs of decline in elderly people. My Dad has always been somewhat of a favorite with the staff. He was very personable, friendly, easy going and willing to do things. Plus, he loves to sing and use to sing to them which they all enjoyed.

So, I don’t question that my Dad needs additional care and that his time is limited. And, more importantly, I know that the staff really cares about him and he receives excellent care.

When all this started happening I went out there one morning. Patti, one of the regular nurses, stopped me . ‘Beware,” she said, “he is really having a bad day.” I stood frozen outside his door. He was sitting in his wheelchair, mouth hanging open, his arms outstretched and “flapping.” I couldn’t go in. I muffled a sob and walked down the hallway. Patti steered me to the social worker’s office where I cried and cried.

But it is OK to do that. Now that I am over the shock of what a bad day could be, I able to once again spend time with him. Talk to him, sing to him (he will still try to sing with me if he is alert), stroke his hands and arms, face and head. Just be with him.

That’s all I can do.

Father's Day

Today I went to see Dad, who is in a health care center and has Alzheimer's.

When I got there, right after lunch, he was in line waiting to be taken to the bathroom. He is in a wheelchair and wears Depends. He was a mess. The aide explained that he still can feed himself, so they let him as they want him to keep these skills as long as possible. Makes sense, but despite the large bib the aides drape him in before a meal, he gets food every where. But, 15 minutes later he was cleaned up, pottied and ready to go.

It was a lovely day here so I pushed him around the grounds. The minute we got out of the building and into the fresh air he said, "Boy, this feels good!" I pointed out all of the blooming flowers and flower baskets. We checked out the height of the river after all the storms we have had here lately. We both enjoyed our walk.

Back inside the facility had entertainment . . . I guess for Father's Day. It was a man playing the accordion and a keyboard. He was very good and fun. He played all of the old songs and it was a pretty lively group. Of course, Dad sang along with gusto. I did, too. I have a horrible voice, but among 80-90 year olds , who cares! Dad and I held hands when we sang Let me Call you Sweetheart. I went and sat by Don, Dad's roommate during Take Me Out to the Ball Game.

The aide told me that Dad has been having very vivid dreams lately. He will sing in his sleep (I think that is great, since he sings a lot any way), sometimes he speaks a little German. He will ask where Geneva is (my mother who passed away over 5 years ago) or tell her something as if she is right next to him (I believe she probably is).

In the past month, Dad has had 2 seizures. His left arm and leg will go rigid and his eyes will turn to the left. He will shake for about 2-3 minutes and it is over. He is very aware before and after. My sister and I, along with his doctor, have agreed to slowly take him off his two Alzheimer's medications as one may cause seizures. Since he has been on it for about 4-5 years, it might be the cause. If he has another seizure, he might have to be put on medication to prevent them. We hate to do that as one side effect is that it makes you sleepy. We want to keep Dad as alert as possible. Hopefully, he won't have another, but we don't know. We do know that at almost 90, we will not put him through any tests to try to determine the cause.

Overall, I had a great visit with Dad. After a moment or two he knew who I was and called me by name several times. That is always good. It is great to be able to take him outside. He enjoys it so much.

A very short time after I left, my sister called him from Atlanta. She asked him some questions. Did you have any visitors today? No. Was there entertainment today, like music and singing? No. Did you go outside? No.

Oh, well.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy. You're the best. Always were and always will be.

Miracles

My dear friend, Sally, is a miracle.

After over a week in ICU with an unknown type of pneumonia, she is recovering. She has been in her own hospital room for a week. Progress is very slow, but she is holding her own and each day getting a little stronger and a little more progress made.

If I had to guess how long she has been in the hospital, it has to be going on over a month. She should be discharged this week and moved to a rehab center in Water Vliet - much closer to her home than Kalamazoo where she is now.

But, she can't walk without a lot of assistance. The first few days out of ICU she couldn't move her arms well or use her fingers. Her eye sight isn't real good. She has panic and anxiety attacks when she thinks she will not be able to draw in a breath. And, while her lungs continue to improve a little each day, last week one did collapse 50%. She has undergone painful procedures. She is on a lot of meds.

Her life in rehab will be difficult - learning how to walk again, care for herself, breath without the anxiety attacks. She is on meds for depression and anxiety.

But - she is alive. She is making progress. She will go home (probably in mid to late June).

Sally will be a changed person. Deeply spiritual, she does see this as a journey. She feels there is a message in it. Some of us who know her well feel the message is to slow down and not work so hard. So, now she is forced to do so. It will be interesting to hear her perspective.

I have not seen her since she was first admitted to the Kalamazoo hospital. I will visit her in rehab and will stay with her for at least a week (if she chooses) when she finally goes home. I will purchase more bird feeders for her, a couple of humming bird feeds, bird seed and suet. I will make sure they are hung in front of all of her windows so she can watch the birds while she recovers. I will paint her toes nails and rub lotion on her back. I will brush her hair. I will hang on to her when she walks. I will cook for her. I will bring a ton of books and we will read. We'll rent videos starring only good looking men. We will talk of birds, of life, of journeys - both inward and outward. We will talk of our friends, our families and we will talk trash. We will read and laugh, hug and cry. And, this will all be my deep privilege.

She's a miracle. And I am, oh, so very grateful.

Can't Sleep Thoughts

It's after 3:00 am and I can't sleep.
I went back to the doctor yesterday so now I am on round two of meds for bronchitis and a sinus infection. Steroids. Yippee! Also, a cough med that yesterday knocked me on my ass. Hence - when you sleep all day, you can't sleep at night. So instead of tossing and turning I got up, let the dogs out, made a pot of coffee and here I am
Today marks day 6 of missing work due to this bugga bugga. Actually, though, despite the time of day, I do feel a little better.
No news is good news now regarding Sally (see posts below). She is stable and for 2 days the x-rays showed no more deterioration in her lungs. It is just a waiting game now. I have good feelings about her illness now (if that makes sense). Yes, she will be in the hospital for weeks and weeks if not months, but I have a more positive "gut" feeling she will pull through this.
Hey, street cleaners just went by! What do you know! And, of course, there is a car parked smack in front of my house, so the litter will still be there. Go figure.
Amazing activities in the 'hood at 3 am.
My dear brother-in law, Marty, has a brother who is dying. Gordon, who is 80, has been ill for the past few years. This has been expected. It is difficult, but his death will end his suffering and I believe the family is at peace with it.

My flowers are looking good, but the beds really need cleaning. Too tired and weary to do them lately. Maybe on Saturday I will feel like working in the garden a little. It is probably the best thing I could do for my soul right about now.

Sunday is Mother's Day. Over five years now since Mom has been gone. Hard to believe. I don't think I will be sad on Sunday, but more and more thankful each Mother's Day that I had such a great and loving Mom.

Think I will have another cup of joe and try going back to bed.
Ahhhhh, sweet slumber!

Perspectives

I'm trying to put things in perspective. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.



While my dear friend, Sally, is fighting for her life on a ventilator, I've been home for a week with a sinus infection and bronchitis. Now, that is comparing apples to oranges. I can breathe on my own. I can drive myself to the doctor and get stronger meds to make me better. Sally is trapped inside herself. Our friend, Amy, said maybe this is all part of a spiritual journey she needs to take. Sally is a "shaman in training." I know she would appreciate and value that thought as I do.



As I do things around the house, as I'm able, I think of Sally. She was with me the day I closed on my house. The first thing she did when we walked in was to check it for security. Sally, 20-year veteran of the Chicago police force, wanted to make sure I'd be safe. Then, with sage, salt and water, we smudged my home. Going to every corner from the basement to the attic and all around the yard, we chanted some lines and added another layer of safety and love to my home. I will never forget to the smudging with her. It was an act of love between the two of us. She was so proud of me for buying my own home.



Breathe, Sally, Breathe.



Sally with her lotions and potions. In my shower I have Tate's All Natural Miracle Conditioner. On our trip to Costa Rica a few years ago with gal pal, Miki, Sally brought along this product she found in a health food store. We marveled over all of its uses. Upon my return home I ordered it, along with the shampoo. It is the only product I have ever used to keep my dry scalp from flaking. How many times I have sat with Sally while she applied different facials to my face, made out of oatmeal or honey or whatever? How many times has she handed me a bottle of lotion, "Here, try this. And, while your at it, rub some on my back." "Smell this, Julie Ann. Isn't it fabulous? Put some on." "Let me give you a manicure" "Here," tossing me a hair brush," Would you please brush my hair? I'll brush yours when you are done!" "Want to go for a massage while I'm there?" "Oh, girl, this is just the best stuff." Try it, smell it, put some on. Oh, Sally - you taught me to pamper myself.



Breathe, Sally, Breathe.



In Sedona we sat in the cold on the vortex, stealing looks at each other to see if we were really feeling the earth's energy. We climbed down canyons to watch the sun dance off the river onto the canyon walls. We climbed in caves to hold ritual. We sat in silence at the condo, each reading books we would pass on to each other.



Breathe, Sally, Breathe.



I take little walks around my small yard, watching the progress of the shrubs and flowers. The weeping crab apple tree Phil bought me several years ago is about ready to bloom. My lilac bush is not only all green, but the little flowers are growing like crazy. Only my Rose of Sharon's are just starting to show signs of life. They are always late bloomers. The neighborhood smells of newly cut grass. A smell Sally and I both like.



Breathe, Sally, Breathe.



I think of walking around Ronora together. The land, so special and sacred. Arm and arm we would walk, enjoying the beauty. Sally would see the woodland spirits, something I was never able to see. That's OK, though. She believes in them and sees them.

Breathe, Sally, Breathe.



Sally told Amy the night before her lung biopsy, that she dreamt of a big brown bear. I read Amy the attributes of the bear totum. Power. And hibernation. Sally is a powerful woman, as well as a soulful woman. Maybe the bear was telling her to nurture her power now and go into a deep sleep to preserve her strength. Sally would appreciate that.



It is the time of renewal, of hope of life. May Sally's lungs find the renewal, that life and give all of us hope.

Helpless

Tonight one of my dearest friends is in the ICU of a hospital in Kalamazoo, MI fighting for her life

Sally, my chosen sister, my confidant, my travel gal pal, my friend.

I'm so very afraid we will lose her.

After almost a week in a smaller hospital with what they thought was pneumonia, she was transferred to a larger hospital in a larger city that has a pulmonary unit. A week later, she is on a ventilator which is doing 100% of her breathing.

The cause? We don't know. She had a lung scope, which showed nothing. A lung biopsy, which was sent to California for tests. The part of the lung taken for the biopsy was spongy and crumbly. Every X-Ray shows her lungs deteriorating.

What the hell is going on? She had a bad case of pneumonia about 4 years ago and, like me, usually gets a bad case of bronchitis every year or so. But this?

Sally is a physically strong, vibrant woman. She went from having trouble breathing to oxygen to a ventilator. Jesus!

A long time good friend of Sally's, Amy, has been with her for almost a week. Another true chosen sister, Amy has been dealing with the doctors, nurses and friends who want to see her, touch her and make sure she is OK. However, in the highest level of ICU visiting hours are 3 times a day for 20 minutes. Sally is on morphine and basically out of it. Amy is burned out herself, even with taking time to care for herself.

I was there last Wednesday through Thursday when I heard she was transferred. She had called me on Tuesday, excited to be going home and I offered to come up for the weekend and take care of her and she gladly accepted. She had a turn for the worse that same night and unfortunately, by the weekend she was in the ICU. I returned home Thursday night, sick with my annual case of a sinus infection and bronchitis.

However, while I was there I was able to talk to her a little, hold her hand, rub her head, tell her it would all be OK. It is hard to see someone struggle to breath.

Jesus. What the hell is going on? Where are her test results. She is in "fair" condition and nothing is working.

My last post I wrote about prayer. While I'm praying now. Praying that those test show something that can be treatable. Praying that she keeps being the fighter I know she is and that she hangs in there as long as it takes. Praying that all of the prayers from me and the dozens and dozens of people who know and love Sally are surrounding her with healing white light and love.

Please, Sally, just hold on.

Listening to the Rain

I'm listening to the rain.

It's a nice, calming sound.

Phil drove back home tonight after coming up late this afternoon. He just called to say he arrived home safe and sound and that it was raining down there, too. We both said it would be a nice night to snuggle and listen to the rain together. Oh, well . . . sometimes 76 miles seems like 1,076 miles.

The good thing about listening to the rain is I won't have to go out and shovel it!

Rate My Life

Took this quiz. Thank you Earth-bound Spirit for the link. I think I have a pretty darn good life. And, according to the quiz, I rated higher than the average person. I'll keep it!

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	7.5
Mind:	7
Body:	6.6
Spirit:	9.2
Friends/Family:	5.6
Love:	7.7
Finance:	7.5
Take the Rate My Life Quiz