Changes are A-Coming

For many months now I have started to feel a shift coming in my life. I've basically been hibernating for well over a year. I realized I have cut myself off from friends and have stayed focused on being at home, my dogs, my relationship and quilting. While I probably needed to do this for many reasons, it is time to dig deep, think about what I truly want, what is good for me and to start the crawl out of my cave. Now that I will be retiring in 10 months, this is even more true and important. My sister, Suzanne, who retired 10 years ago, has aways said that when you retire you need to almost reinvent yourself because your life changes so much. And, it is time I regroup, hang on, let go and take stock in my life. I have let important things slip. My spirituality has suffered. I've put on over 25 pounds. I've lost touch with friends.

Yet, wonderful things are going on, too. Fun things I enjoy and look forward to. I recognize that I have a lot of blessing in my life and am very grateful. I don't feel terribly depressed or in angst, but rather adrift and in need of grounding.

The other day I took the long way home from work. I drove along Lake Michigan. It was another rainy, dreary day. The lake was all different shades of gray and white. The waves, while it was not terribly windy outside, were huge. I was mesmerized. If I hadn't had to get home to let the dogs out I would have pulled into one of the lakefront parking lots and sat there for a while. Maybe because I felt like those waves. Gray, turbulent, pounding on the surf only to be pulled out and pound again. Maybe because I realized that the lake will once again be sparkling blue and calm. And, so will I. This is part of the ebb and flow of nature, on which I based my deepest spirituality on.

Over the course of the next few weeks I will be journaling, blog style, trying to figure things out for myself. Some of you readers have known me a long time. Some only through out quilting interests and for a few months. I would appreciate all of your input while I go through this process.

Life is a journey. I just need to figure out which path to take at this particular time.

What's Up?

Not much, unfortunately.


The two mystery lap quilts each have their double borders added and are on their way to Meandering Mary to be quilted. She will now have 4 of my quilts in her stacks of quilts.

I have 192 of the 288 half square triangles completed for the Friendship Star quilt. I'm getting a little tired of the HSTs, so I might start making a few blocks to keep me motivated!




While I'm not really attracted to folk art projects, I saw this little lady at Ye Olde Schoolhouse and just had to have her. I fused on the silhouette and now am blanket stitching her into place. (no, the finished project does not include a needle coming out of her head! LOL. You need to click on the image and really look to see my needle.) I'm including the package picture of what she will look like when done. I love the little curtain; however, I'm thinking of making it in a different fabric. To see more you can go to http://www.folkartchildren.com/ She has some great primative artwork and other quilting patterns.



I am also still hand stitching binding on quilts. Luckily, I have some good books on CD to listen to as there is NOTHING on TV anymore.

I've been having problems with dizziness and nausea, especially when laying down. I'm on acid reflux medication, but it is getting worse. My doctor, whom I saw today, feels I might have an inner ear viral infection going on. Let's hope that is all it is!

Letting Go

My father is now is hospice care. He has been for a few weeks now.

I thought increasing his care to include hospice would be more difficult that it was. The social worker, Jenny, was very caring and understanding. She went over all of the details with me. I signed lots of forms (my sister’s and I have Power of Attorney and Power of Health) and she explained what this would mean to my Dad’s general care.

He will stay in the same room he is currently in. The same nurses will care for him on a daily basis. Hospice workers, very familiar with the facility, will come in and give additional care – adding to what he is already receiving. There are additional support people – nurses, various therapists including a music therapist, social worker, Chaplin, etc.

My Dad is now 90 with Alzheimer’s. In May and June he had a couple of seizures, which affected his ability to control his tremors, especially in his hands and arms. More recently, there have been times where his arms move in a “flapping” motion. His right leg jerks almost constantly. He has gone down hill rapidly, especially since his 90th birthday on July 23.

The main hospice nurse, Jay, calls me several times a week. He has been around for years at the health care center where Dad is and got to know him well before his decline. He is shocked and sad to see Dad in his current condition. He feels Dad doesn’t have too much time left, but wants him to be more comfortable. Jay has been adjusting Dad’s meds to get his muscle to relax and the spasms to cease. Now, these nurses know what they are taking about. This is their job and they understand the signs of decline in elderly people. My Dad has always been somewhat of a favorite with the staff. He was very personable, friendly, easy going and willing to do things. Plus, he loves to sing and use to sing to them which they all enjoyed.

So, I don’t question that my Dad needs additional care and that his time is limited. And, more importantly, I know that the staff really cares about him and he receives excellent care.

When all this started happening I went out there one morning. Patti, one of the regular nurses, stopped me . ‘Beware,” she said, “he is really having a bad day.” I stood frozen outside his door. He was sitting in his wheelchair, mouth hanging open, his arms outstretched and “flapping.” I couldn’t go in. I muffled a sob and walked down the hallway. Patti steered me to the social worker’s office where I cried and cried.

But it is OK to do that. Now that I am over the shock of what a bad day could be, I able to once again spend time with him. Talk to him, sing to him (he will still try to sing with me if he is alert), stroke his hands and arms, face and head. Just be with him.

That’s all I can do.

Miracles

My dear friend, Sally, is a miracle.

After over a week in ICU with an unknown type of pneumonia, she is recovering. She has been in her own hospital room for a week. Progress is very slow, but she is holding her own and each day getting a little stronger and a little more progress made.

If I had to guess how long she has been in the hospital, it has to be going on over a month. She should be discharged this week and moved to a rehab center in Water Vliet - much closer to her home than Kalamazoo where she is now.

But, she can't walk without a lot of assistance. The first few days out of ICU she couldn't move her arms well or use her fingers. Her eye sight isn't real good. She has panic and anxiety attacks when she thinks she will not be able to draw in a breath. And, while her lungs continue to improve a little each day, last week one did collapse 50%. She has undergone painful procedures. She is on a lot of meds.

Her life in rehab will be difficult - learning how to walk again, care for herself, breath without the anxiety attacks. She is on meds for depression and anxiety.

But - she is alive. She is making progress. She will go home (probably in mid to late June).

Sally will be a changed person. Deeply spiritual, she does see this as a journey. She feels there is a message in it. Some of us who know her well feel the message is to slow down and not work so hard. So, now she is forced to do so. It will be interesting to hear her perspective.

I have not seen her since she was first admitted to the Kalamazoo hospital. I will visit her in rehab and will stay with her for at least a week (if she chooses) when she finally goes home. I will purchase more bird feeders for her, a couple of humming bird feeds, bird seed and suet. I will make sure they are hung in front of all of her windows so she can watch the birds while she recovers. I will paint her toes nails and rub lotion on her back. I will brush her hair. I will hang on to her when she walks. I will cook for her. I will bring a ton of books and we will read. We'll rent videos starring only good looking men. We will talk of birds, of life, of journeys - both inward and outward. We will talk of our friends, our families and we will talk trash. We will read and laugh, hug and cry. And, this will all be my deep privilege.

She's a miracle. And I am, oh, so very grateful.

Can't Sleep Thoughts

It's after 3:00 am and I can't sleep.
I went back to the doctor yesterday so now I am on round two of meds for bronchitis and a sinus infection. Steroids. Yippee! Also, a cough med that yesterday knocked me on my ass. Hence - when you sleep all day, you can't sleep at night. So instead of tossing and turning I got up, let the dogs out, made a pot of coffee and here I am
Today marks day 6 of missing work due to this bugga bugga. Actually, though, despite the time of day, I do feel a little better.
No news is good news now regarding Sally (see posts below). She is stable and for 2 days the x-rays showed no more deterioration in her lungs. It is just a waiting game now. I have good feelings about her illness now (if that makes sense). Yes, she will be in the hospital for weeks and weeks if not months, but I have a more positive "gut" feeling she will pull through this.
Hey, street cleaners just went by! What do you know! And, of course, there is a car parked smack in front of my house, so the litter will still be there. Go figure.
Amazing activities in the 'hood at 3 am.
My dear brother-in law, Marty, has a brother who is dying. Gordon, who is 80, has been ill for the past few years. This has been expected. It is difficult, but his death will end his suffering and I believe the family is at peace with it.

My flowers are looking good, but the beds really need cleaning. Too tired and weary to do them lately. Maybe on Saturday I will feel like working in the garden a little. It is probably the best thing I could do for my soul right about now.

Sunday is Mother's Day. Over five years now since Mom has been gone. Hard to believe. I don't think I will be sad on Sunday, but more and more thankful each Mother's Day that I had such a great and loving Mom.

Think I will have another cup of joe and try going back to bed.
Ahhhhh, sweet slumber!

Perspectives

I'm trying to put things in perspective. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.



While my dear friend, Sally, is fighting for her life on a ventilator, I've been home for a week with a sinus infection and bronchitis. Now, that is comparing apples to oranges. I can breathe on my own. I can drive myself to the doctor and get stronger meds to make me better. Sally is trapped inside herself. Our friend, Amy, said maybe this is all part of a spiritual journey she needs to take. Sally is a "shaman in training." I know she would appreciate and value that thought as I do.



As I do things around the house, as I'm able, I think of Sally. She was with me the day I closed on my house. The first thing she did when we walked in was to check it for security. Sally, 20-year veteran of the Chicago police force, wanted to make sure I'd be safe. Then, with sage, salt and water, we smudged my home. Going to every corner from the basement to the attic and all around the yard, we chanted some lines and added another layer of safety and love to my home. I will never forget to the smudging with her. It was an act of love between the two of us. She was so proud of me for buying my own home.



Breathe, Sally, Breathe.



Sally with her lotions and potions. In my shower I have Tate's All Natural Miracle Conditioner. On our trip to Costa Rica a few years ago with gal pal, Miki, Sally brought along this product she found in a health food store. We marveled over all of its uses. Upon my return home I ordered it, along with the shampoo. It is the only product I have ever used to keep my dry scalp from flaking. How many times I have sat with Sally while she applied different facials to my face, made out of oatmeal or honey or whatever? How many times has she handed me a bottle of lotion, "Here, try this. And, while your at it, rub some on my back." "Smell this, Julie Ann. Isn't it fabulous? Put some on." "Let me give you a manicure" "Here," tossing me a hair brush," Would you please brush my hair? I'll brush yours when you are done!" "Want to go for a massage while I'm there?" "Oh, girl, this is just the best stuff." Try it, smell it, put some on. Oh, Sally - you taught me to pamper myself.



Breathe, Sally, Breathe.



In Sedona we sat in the cold on the vortex, stealing looks at each other to see if we were really feeling the earth's energy. We climbed down canyons to watch the sun dance off the river onto the canyon walls. We climbed in caves to hold ritual. We sat in silence at the condo, each reading books we would pass on to each other.



Breathe, Sally, Breathe.



I take little walks around my small yard, watching the progress of the shrubs and flowers. The weeping crab apple tree Phil bought me several years ago is about ready to bloom. My lilac bush is not only all green, but the little flowers are growing like crazy. Only my Rose of Sharon's are just starting to show signs of life. They are always late bloomers. The neighborhood smells of newly cut grass. A smell Sally and I both like.



Breathe, Sally, Breathe.



I think of walking around Ronora together. The land, so special and sacred. Arm and arm we would walk, enjoying the beauty. Sally would see the woodland spirits, something I was never able to see. That's OK, though. She believes in them and sees them.

Breathe, Sally, Breathe.



Sally told Amy the night before her lung biopsy, that she dreamt of a big brown bear. I read Amy the attributes of the bear totum. Power. And hibernation. Sally is a powerful woman, as well as a soulful woman. Maybe the bear was telling her to nurture her power now and go into a deep sleep to preserve her strength. Sally would appreciate that.



It is the time of renewal, of hope of life. May Sally's lungs find the renewal, that life and give all of us hope.

Helpless

Tonight one of my dearest friends is in the ICU of a hospital in Kalamazoo, MI fighting for her life

Sally, my chosen sister, my confidant, my travel gal pal, my friend.

I'm so very afraid we will lose her.

After almost a week in a smaller hospital with what they thought was pneumonia, she was transferred to a larger hospital in a larger city that has a pulmonary unit. A week later, she is on a ventilator which is doing 100% of her breathing.

The cause? We don't know. She had a lung scope, which showed nothing. A lung biopsy, which was sent to California for tests. The part of the lung taken for the biopsy was spongy and crumbly. Every X-Ray shows her lungs deteriorating.

What the hell is going on? She had a bad case of pneumonia about 4 years ago and, like me, usually gets a bad case of bronchitis every year or so. But this?

Sally is a physically strong, vibrant woman. She went from having trouble breathing to oxygen to a ventilator. Jesus!

A long time good friend of Sally's, Amy, has been with her for almost a week. Another true chosen sister, Amy has been dealing with the doctors, nurses and friends who want to see her, touch her and make sure she is OK. However, in the highest level of ICU visiting hours are 3 times a day for 20 minutes. Sally is on morphine and basically out of it. Amy is burned out herself, even with taking time to care for herself.

I was there last Wednesday through Thursday when I heard she was transferred. She had called me on Tuesday, excited to be going home and I offered to come up for the weekend and take care of her and she gladly accepted. She had a turn for the worse that same night and unfortunately, by the weekend she was in the ICU. I returned home Thursday night, sick with my annual case of a sinus infection and bronchitis.

However, while I was there I was able to talk to her a little, hold her hand, rub her head, tell her it would all be OK. It is hard to see someone struggle to breath.

Jesus. What the hell is going on? Where are her test results. She is in "fair" condition and nothing is working.

My last post I wrote about prayer. While I'm praying now. Praying that those test show something that can be treatable. Praying that she keeps being the fighter I know she is and that she hangs in there as long as it takes. Praying that all of the prayers from me and the dozens and dozens of people who know and love Sally are surrounding her with healing white light and love.

Please, Sally, just hold on.

Rate My Life

Took this quiz. Thank you Earth-bound Spirit for the link. I think I have a pretty darn good life. And, according to the quiz, I rated higher than the average person. I'll keep it!

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	7.5
Mind:	7
Body:	6.6
Spirit:	9.2
Friends/Family:	5.6
Love:	7.7
Finance:	7.5
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Next Super Model

We don't get many perks as government employees. No bonuses. No fancy business trips. No holiday parties paid for by the company. So, once in a great while when something comes along that might be fun, I jump at the chance.

Today there was a video shoot and still shots taken for our new recruit brochure and Public Service Announcement. I was asked if I would like to pose as a "victim" (or customer, however you want to look at it, I guess) in a med unit. Being a camera ham and seeing a fun opportunity, I agreed.

Since I had on a sweatshirt that had a MFD patch on it, I turned it around on my body and climbed into a med unit. I had never been in one and hope I am never in one again, but it was cool. I posed with Josh, who is a paramedic and assigned to my division in Community Relations, and Jenny another paramedic assigned to the field. Josh, by the way, will be moving on in a week as he will be promoted to a paramedic lieutenant!

Josh hooked me up to an IV, Jenny took my blood pressure and hooked me up to the heart monitor and Darin, our AV guy, shot video and then stills.

I was suppose to look very sick. I think I did a great job! Ha! One of the 20 still shots Darin took (similar to the ones in in this post) will be on the front of the brochure. Boy - I can't wait to see how bad I look in the video!

This last picture was taken for laughs, although I am sure there might have been a few times that Josh wanted to strangle me!

Long Winter Nights

I don't do well in winter.

I have SAD (Seasonal affective disorder) to some extent. So did my Mom, so I guess I inherited it.

I try to be aware of it. I try not to let it affect me, but these long dark nights and cold days really do a number on me - my health, my emotions, my attitude - just everything.

I want to live in a climate where in winter I grab a light coat to go out - not a heavy coat, scarf, hat, mittens, warm socks and ugly shoe-like boot things to keep my feet dry.

I dislike getting up in the dark and coming home in the semi-dark. I dislike not being able to walk my dogs because of the cold (and salt on the sidewalks) and I don't feel safe walking them in the dark during the winter. Where are my flowers? Buried deep beneath the soil. I start to doubt if I will ever see them again!

I get so anxious. I get easily frustrated. My emotions run high and then low - I bounce all over the place. I shut down-figuratively and literally. I'm tired. Where's my cave? I put on (even more) weight. I cry a lot and am overly sensitive. Did I mention that I am so very tired? It is like my emotions are on a tight rope and I'm not doing a very good balancing act.

I want the sun. I've sick of snow and it's only the first month of winter. I'm sick of my shovel.

Although I get a lot of reading done, I lose energy and interest in other things. I have great plans for projects to do each winter and each winter I fail miserably at them - I rarely even start them.

I want to be left alone, yet I feel clingy.

I try to see the beauty in the season, and I do to a point. I enjoy the beautiful sunsets in winter, the fresh, crisp air, fresh snow on the trees. I like seeing kids playing, building snowmen, sledding. I love watching the birds at my feeder - stocking up before a storm.

Then the snow gets dirty and ugly. The streets are filthly, garbage piles up, my car is dirty all of the time. I hate it.

UGH! It is so frustrating.

I need sun. I need warmth. I need a long walk with Phil, with my dogs.

After this winter, only 2 more before I can retire. It can't come soon enough. After I retire I only want to see snow on calendar pictures.

Flu Blues

I've had the flu.

It started on Tuesday when I woke up with a headache that just wouldn't go away. I felt fine otherwise, but no matter what I tried, the headache lingered.

That night I had the chills and a fever. The night was full of nightmares, groans, aches and pains. I worried about getting up to let the dogs out, I couldn't get warm, I was too hot. Horrible monsters chased me in dreams (so much for the "thriller" book I am reading - it came to life that night). Wednesday was spent in my jammies, thick socks, slippers, a bathrobe, blankets and since no matter what I did I couldn't get my hands warm, gloves. I was never up for more than an hour. I piled blankets on the bed, drink lots of liquids (mostly warm) and waited it out. I must admit, I have never slept in gloves before. I hope I never feel the necessity to do so again.



Phil was out of town and couldn't be with me. I knew he was worried. He had the same bugga bugga a few days before, so he had a pretty good idea of how miserable I was.



This morning was better. A shower is a wonderful thing! All of my bedding got washed and I felt a little more human. Phil came up for a few hours and gave me some much needed TLC. Tonight I am almost back to normal (whatever that is!).

Back to work tomorrow.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I got squished tonight.

In other words, I went in for my annual mammogram.

This to me is a no brainer. It takes a few minutes, is very uncomfortable while it is being done, but once it is done, you are good to go.

Breast cancer runs in my family. My mother had it, my cousin, Lavetta, died from it and my cousin, Peg, is a breast cancer survivor. My grandmother (on my Dad's side) also had breast cancer. When I was 25 I had a benign tumor removed from my right breast. From then on, I haven't missed an annual exam.

Funny thing is that my little dog, Gracie, just had surgery for breast cancer a week ago. Now you may think, "A dog?" But, yes, it's possible. One of her nipples was red and swollen. It was removed and the pathology report was Stage I breast cancer. Fortunately, the tissue that was removed around the cancerous tissue was clear. And, in 24 hours Gracie was back to normal. Both the vet and I will watch her carefully, but she should be just fine.

Men can also have breast cancer. Tonight, I asked the technician who performed my mammogram about it. She said she has done several mammograms on men. They are very embarrassed about it, but it is more common than people realize.

I have several women friends who are breast cancer survivors. They are all strong women - as anyone is who survives cancer. I'm proud of them as I am of my cousin, Peg.

My sister recently had her mammogram as well has the new ultrasound test for breast cancer detection. I asked the technician about the possibility of the ultrasound for me as well, since I am considered a high breast cancer risk (due to family history). She stated I should talk to my doctor, but it would probably be a good idea. When I go in for my yearly physical in a couple of weeks, that will be discussed and I will push to have it done.

All is this being pro-active when it comes to my health and well-being. A mammogram is quick and easy and bring me peace of mind.

If you are a woman and you are reading this, I hope you, too, have been "squished" this year! If not, you still have time! And, don't forget the monthly self exams!

Just Breathe

I have sleep apnea. What this means is that periodically during the night I stop breathing. For more information check out: http://www.sleepapnea.org/


I noticed the problem myself, as well as Phil. So, last July I went in for a sleep study. After being hooked up to wires on over 20 different places on my body from my head, arms, chest, legs and neck, I was expected to fall asleep while being monitored by a sleep technician. Funny as it may seem, I did fall asleep and slept pretty well. The technician told me that if I exhibited signs of sleep apnea, she would come in during the night and hook me up to a CPAP device. And, sure enough, I was woke up in the middle of the night and a CPAP was placed over my mouth and nose.

CPAP's come in different sizes and shapes. Most cover your nose and mouth and force air into you. This air forces the breathing passages to stay open while you sleep and you don't stop breathing.

Two weeks later I returned to the doctor for the results. According to the sleep study results, I stopped breathing while sleeping an average of 24 times per hour for more than 10 seconds at a time. I have a mild to moderate form of sleep apnea. The doctor told me of one patient that stopped breathing while sleeping over 84 times in an hour.

So, I now have a CPAP or breathing machine. It sits next to the bed and I hook myself up every night. It doesn't cover my mouth, as it fits into my nostrils. It's been an adjustment, but if I can keep in on all night, I do wake up feeling better, more refreshed and awake.

I was pretty shy about letting Phil see me wearing it for the first time. But, being the loving and supportive man that he is, he suggested I fall asleep with it on alone and he would come to bed later. It worked. We were still able to snuggle and he said it hardly makes any noise - a lot quieter than my gasping for breath during the night! He also teases me about sleeping with a scuba diver. Between my CPAP machine and my restless leg syndrome (for which I am on medication, http://www.rls.org/), I must be a real "joy" to sleep with!

Oh, well . . .

I'll see how this works, how difficult it is to haul on trips, etc. But, if it puts an end to my constant tiredness then it will be worth the long adjustment period.