Time to Move On

The other night while ice bound and bored,  I started searching for people on Facebook and came across a man I dated briefly a few years ago. 

We dated at a time when Phil had pushed me away and encouraged me to move on.  I met Ken.  Ken is a great guy and we hit it off right away.  I enjoyed his company and things moved fast.  But, there was always Phil lurking in my background.  To summarize, Phil decided he wanted me after all, I treated Ken terribly and went off with Phil.  And, when I say I treated Ken terribly, I truly did.  And, I have always, always regretted what I did to him.

Fast forward.  Ken met someone.  He got married, thought things were great, but is now going through a divorce after only a couple years of marriage.  Phil is dead and I have learned more about him than I really cared to learn.  I'm still grieving and licking my wounds.  I retired and moved to Georgia.  The past 8 months have been hard for me.  I have made friends in my new community, but haven't gotten out as much as I should/could have.  It's been a self-imposed hibernation.  But, I am starting to wake up.  And, it hasn't been all bad.  I did what I needed to do.

So, I messaged Ken and waited, hoped for a reply.  Let me say I really mistreated this man and I figured he would either not respond to me or give me a piece of his mind.  But, he did respond and was very gracious and kind.  More so than I deserve.  He even gave me his email and phone number.  And, I called.

His divorce hurt him.  Sounds like they had a great marriage while it lasted and the divorce came out of the blue.  He was deeply hurt.  Yet, he seemed very concerned about me, what I have been through and how I was coping.    We talked about our families, our lives and traveling.  We talked about our dogs, relationships and coping.  It was good talking to him.  He always had a kindness and a gentleness about him that made me feel so very comfortable.  For a minute, for a second I thought . . .

But, he had to run.  He was going on a date with a woman he really likes.  And, in all truthfulness, I am not ready to date.  Even with the time and distance between us, it wasn't meant to be.  I wish him well, though.  Of all people, Ken deserves happiness.  So, do I.  And, we won't find it together.  But, maybe we can be friends.  Maybe our mutual broken hearts will help heal each other.  And, maybe I need to get out more rather than spend all my evenings at home with the dogs.

I have been thinking of Phil - who I still cry over - a lot lately.  It's funny how the grieving process works, sometimes I hardly think of him and other times it seems he is all I think about.  And with thinking of Ken, too - who is someone that probably should have been -  brought me to this verse from a poem by William Wordsworth  It's bittersweet, but right now so am I.  And, it is time for me to move on.

What though the radiance which was once so bright

Be now for ever taken from my sight,

Though nothing can bring back the hour

Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;

We will grieve not, rather find

Strength in what remains behind...

Getting Ready for Retirement

Funny things start to happen when you tell people you are going to retire.

First, I went to a work offered retirement seminar last November. It was great - well organized and very informative. I was given lots of brochures and pamphlets to read, which I have done. There are just over 200 of us City workers that fall into a group that are eligible to retire if we use the incentives they are offering. Truthfully, we would be crazy not to grab the deal and run, which is exactly what I am doing! However, all at once I started to receive mail from the Employees Retirement System - pension estimators, benefit plans, etc. Yikes! This is really going to happen!

Co-workers approch me. "Hey," they say, "I hear you're retiring!" Or, "How much longer do you have?" Or "What will you be doing once you go?" This is all fun stuff, although my immediate co-workers must be getting tired of hearing my answers all of the time. Several co-workers insist on getting together after work as my "time" approaches. I'm looking forward to that!

The most asked question is, "How many more days?" Well, as of today I have 5 months and 14 days. Exact days? I'm not sure. Well under 100. I got vacation time to use and it will all be spent house hunting in Georgia and moving down there.

This is all good stuff. Fun stuff. I thought it would be much different, but recently life has a way of kicking me in the butt and directing me down paths I really didn't want to go. But, it is all good (at least that is what I am telling myself over and over). It is all a learning experience. It is a new path, a new part of my life - so very different than what I am use to.

If I survive what I am going through now, if I survive selling my house, buying a new home and a move to a whole new state without losing my mind, if I make it to August 23, 2010 - a whole new life will begin.

Bring it on!

Letting Go

My father is now is hospice care. He has been for a few weeks now.

I thought increasing his care to include hospice would be more difficult that it was. The social worker, Jenny, was very caring and understanding. She went over all of the details with me. I signed lots of forms (my sister’s and I have Power of Attorney and Power of Health) and she explained what this would mean to my Dad’s general care.

He will stay in the same room he is currently in. The same nurses will care for him on a daily basis. Hospice workers, very familiar with the facility, will come in and give additional care – adding to what he is already receiving. There are additional support people – nurses, various therapists including a music therapist, social worker, Chaplin, etc.

My Dad is now 90 with Alzheimer’s. In May and June he had a couple of seizures, which affected his ability to control his tremors, especially in his hands and arms. More recently, there have been times where his arms move in a “flapping” motion. His right leg jerks almost constantly. He has gone down hill rapidly, especially since his 90th birthday on July 23.

The main hospice nurse, Jay, calls me several times a week. He has been around for years at the health care center where Dad is and got to know him well before his decline. He is shocked and sad to see Dad in his current condition. He feels Dad doesn’t have too much time left, but wants him to be more comfortable. Jay has been adjusting Dad’s meds to get his muscle to relax and the spasms to cease. Now, these nurses know what they are taking about. This is their job and they understand the signs of decline in elderly people. My Dad has always been somewhat of a favorite with the staff. He was very personable, friendly, easy going and willing to do things. Plus, he loves to sing and use to sing to them which they all enjoyed.

So, I don’t question that my Dad needs additional care and that his time is limited. And, more importantly, I know that the staff really cares about him and he receives excellent care.

When all this started happening I went out there one morning. Patti, one of the regular nurses, stopped me . ‘Beware,” she said, “he is really having a bad day.” I stood frozen outside his door. He was sitting in his wheelchair, mouth hanging open, his arms outstretched and “flapping.” I couldn’t go in. I muffled a sob and walked down the hallway. Patti steered me to the social worker’s office where I cried and cried.

But it is OK to do that. Now that I am over the shock of what a bad day could be, I able to once again spend time with him. Talk to him, sing to him (he will still try to sing with me if he is alert), stroke his hands and arms, face and head. Just be with him.

That’s all I can do.

Helpless

Tonight one of my dearest friends is in the ICU of a hospital in Kalamazoo, MI fighting for her life

Sally, my chosen sister, my confidant, my travel gal pal, my friend.

I'm so very afraid we will lose her.

After almost a week in a smaller hospital with what they thought was pneumonia, she was transferred to a larger hospital in a larger city that has a pulmonary unit. A week later, she is on a ventilator which is doing 100% of her breathing.

The cause? We don't know. She had a lung scope, which showed nothing. A lung biopsy, which was sent to California for tests. The part of the lung taken for the biopsy was spongy and crumbly. Every X-Ray shows her lungs deteriorating.

What the hell is going on? She had a bad case of pneumonia about 4 years ago and, like me, usually gets a bad case of bronchitis every year or so. But this?

Sally is a physically strong, vibrant woman. She went from having trouble breathing to oxygen to a ventilator. Jesus!

A long time good friend of Sally's, Amy, has been with her for almost a week. Another true chosen sister, Amy has been dealing with the doctors, nurses and friends who want to see her, touch her and make sure she is OK. However, in the highest level of ICU visiting hours are 3 times a day for 20 minutes. Sally is on morphine and basically out of it. Amy is burned out herself, even with taking time to care for herself.

I was there last Wednesday through Thursday when I heard she was transferred. She had called me on Tuesday, excited to be going home and I offered to come up for the weekend and take care of her and she gladly accepted. She had a turn for the worse that same night and unfortunately, by the weekend she was in the ICU. I returned home Thursday night, sick with my annual case of a sinus infection and bronchitis.

However, while I was there I was able to talk to her a little, hold her hand, rub her head, tell her it would all be OK. It is hard to see someone struggle to breath.

Jesus. What the hell is going on? Where are her test results. She is in "fair" condition and nothing is working.

My last post I wrote about prayer. While I'm praying now. Praying that those test show something that can be treatable. Praying that she keeps being the fighter I know she is and that she hangs in there as long as it takes. Praying that all of the prayers from me and the dozens and dozens of people who know and love Sally are surrounding her with healing white light and love.

Please, Sally, just hold on.