Let Me Give Thanks

This Thanksgiving I plan to spend the next 4 days at home, alone and in my pajamas.

The fall has been a roller coaster ride of events and emotions for me and those around me. I'm tired, I'm weary and I need my 4-day holiday to step back, reflect and recoup! Soon I will haul out my quilting, which has been put aside for a couple of weeks, and start sewing to my heart's content.

My father died November 18th. Although I mourn his loss and miss him, at age 90 with Alzheimer's and unable to walk, it was his time. He wanted to live to be 90 and he made it with several months to spare. I believe he is now reunited with my mother, his love for over 61 years, as well has his family and friends. He is in heaven, strong and healthy and singing love songs in Mom's ear.

Dad went into hospice care in September. The fall was spent going to work and 1-2 days a weeks (as well as at least once during the weekend) traveling out to see Dad and feed him his lunch. I thank goodness for the Family Medical Leave Act which allowed me to take precious time from work to do this. I am also grateful for the fire department for which I work for understanding my need to be with Dad in the day time hours, when he was most aware. I am actually looking forward to returning to work Monday and starting the week without plans to leave during the day! I crave "normality" whatever that is!

Yet the last 2 months with Dad, even though most of the time he didn't know me and slowly lost his ability to move, talk and sing, I have felt the closest to him. I have always said I was blessed with the best parents in the world. It's true.

Philip has also been dealing with his father. At age 86 he needed more care and attention. At one point, Phil went out to New York five weekends in a row to make arrangements with his siblings to move his father into an assisted living facility. Phil's parents lived in the same Long Island home for over 54 years. The slow process of cleaning out the house has begun. It has been a stressful and sad process for Phil. Even though this meant our time together has been limited between dealing with our father's, it has brought us closer as we are sharing the same thoughts and emotions.

I was suppose to spend this Thanksgiving week in Atlanta with my sister and her family. This, of course, all changed when Dad died. Philip rearranged some of his plans to be with me and my family and now, this Thanksgiving week, will undergo medical tests that should have happened last week. The tests are hell, but we are very optimistic as to the outcome. Next weekend he travels back to New York to spend time with his father, who is not adjusting well to assisted living. While my sister and brother-in-law still welcomed me to travel to Atlanta with them after the funeral, I knew we all needed this time to relax and process the events of the past couple of weeks.

After Dad's memorial service Phil did spend a few days in Oklahoma with his daughter and son-in-law who are expecting their first baby (Phil's first grandchild!). Phil painted the baby's room, put up a chair rail and a panda bear wall mural. I am thankful Phil did this and spent time with Colleen and Rick. I know working on the baby's room brought this tender hearted man great joy. Now he is home this Thanksgiving day, preparing for his tests which start tomorrow.

Phil and I have postponed several things we planned this fall until later this winter. We need the time to relax and get into our routines again. We both have other family issues we will be dealing with in the next couple of months and need time to process. It's OK. We are a strong couple and know that this time will bring us even closer together than pull us apart. Plus, we have a baby to look forward to in late March!

Life is full of the good and the bad times. I'm remembering both this long weekend. It's OK and what I need to do this weekend. For all the sad things that happened these past few months, behind all of them are wonderful memories. I am so grateful for these memories. So very grateful.

Dragonfly Miracles

Yesterday I looked out my back hallway window to check on Lucy Lou, who was sunning her old doggie bones in the late afternoon sun. I noticed something(s) flying and buzzing around my yard. I went outside and found dozens of dragonflies in the air.

It must just be the time of year. The dragonflies where the huge, double winged, green species. They were beautiful. Upon closer notice I could see little white insects also flying around, which were dinner for the dragonflies. The dragonflies darted, they hovered, they flew backward and I even saw one do a perfect triple somersault. Those poor little gnats didn’t stand a chance to these flying aces. The other amazing thing is that they basically stayed in my little yard. Occasionally one flew over into the neighbor’s yard, but flew back into mine again.

Dragonflies have held a special place in my heart ever since Phil gave me a beautiful dragonfly pendent (which he thought was a butterfly). They seem to be messengers for me (us) and when I see them I believe they bring good energy. You can check out their animal/insect totem by clicking here. There have been times in our relationship when I was worried about Phil or concerned about where we were headed and I would see a dragonfly and know that all would be well. And, it is.

I stood outside for a long time, smiling as the dragonflies zoomed all around me. Even Lucy Lou watched them, her ears pointed and alert. We both laughed with amazement, Lucy Lou with a silly doggie grin and me laughing at the thrill of all those dragonflies.. Phil was here and he came out for a while to watch them, too. It was truly an incredible sight to see and experience. I’m glad Phil experienced it with me.

In a short while they were gone.

Today I left work early (thank goodness for FMLA time) and went out to see my Dad. I got there early enough to feed him lunch, which the aides appreciate as they are always are busy at meal time. Afterwards I put a blanket on his lap and a hat on his head and Dad and I went out to enjoy a beautiful September day. I wheeled him all the way down to the Bark River, which runs through the property his health facility is on. We sat and watched the water flow, the birds fly and the trees move in the breeze. I knew Dad enjoyed being outside with me. There were dragonflies all along the banks of the river. Many different kinds, but none like the ones I had seen the night before in my own backyard.

I tried to show him the dragonflies, but I don't think he could move his head or eyes enough to see them. I told him about the beautiful experience I had with the dragonflies in my yard. His eyes flickered a little. His speech is almost incomprehensible, but he tried to talk. Maybe he understood. I'd like to think he did.

I hope when Dad passes it is on the wings of a dragonfly, the light creatures of the air.

Letting Go

My father is now is hospice care. He has been for a few weeks now.

I thought increasing his care to include hospice would be more difficult that it was. The social worker, Jenny, was very caring and understanding. She went over all of the details with me. I signed lots of forms (my sister’s and I have Power of Attorney and Power of Health) and she explained what this would mean to my Dad’s general care.

He will stay in the same room he is currently in. The same nurses will care for him on a daily basis. Hospice workers, very familiar with the facility, will come in and give additional care – adding to what he is already receiving. There are additional support people – nurses, various therapists including a music therapist, social worker, Chaplin, etc.

My Dad is now 90 with Alzheimer’s. In May and June he had a couple of seizures, which affected his ability to control his tremors, especially in his hands and arms. More recently, there have been times where his arms move in a “flapping” motion. His right leg jerks almost constantly. He has gone down hill rapidly, especially since his 90th birthday on July 23.

The main hospice nurse, Jay, calls me several times a week. He has been around for years at the health care center where Dad is and got to know him well before his decline. He is shocked and sad to see Dad in his current condition. He feels Dad doesn’t have too much time left, but wants him to be more comfortable. Jay has been adjusting Dad’s meds to get his muscle to relax and the spasms to cease. Now, these nurses know what they are taking about. This is their job and they understand the signs of decline in elderly people. My Dad has always been somewhat of a favorite with the staff. He was very personable, friendly, easy going and willing to do things. Plus, he loves to sing and use to sing to them which they all enjoyed.

So, I don’t question that my Dad needs additional care and that his time is limited. And, more importantly, I know that the staff really cares about him and he receives excellent care.

When all this started happening I went out there one morning. Patti, one of the regular nurses, stopped me . ‘Beware,” she said, “he is really having a bad day.” I stood frozen outside his door. He was sitting in his wheelchair, mouth hanging open, his arms outstretched and “flapping.” I couldn’t go in. I muffled a sob and walked down the hallway. Patti steered me to the social worker’s office where I cried and cried.

But it is OK to do that. Now that I am over the shock of what a bad day could be, I able to once again spend time with him. Talk to him, sing to him (he will still try to sing with me if he is alert), stroke his hands and arms, face and head. Just be with him.

That’s all I can do.

Father's Day

Today I went to see Dad, who is in a health care center and has Alzheimer's.

When I got there, right after lunch, he was in line waiting to be taken to the bathroom. He is in a wheelchair and wears Depends. He was a mess. The aide explained that he still can feed himself, so they let him as they want him to keep these skills as long as possible. Makes sense, but despite the large bib the aides drape him in before a meal, he gets food every where. But, 15 minutes later he was cleaned up, pottied and ready to go.

It was a lovely day here so I pushed him around the grounds. The minute we got out of the building and into the fresh air he said, "Boy, this feels good!" I pointed out all of the blooming flowers and flower baskets. We checked out the height of the river after all the storms we have had here lately. We both enjoyed our walk.

Back inside the facility had entertainment . . . I guess for Father's Day. It was a man playing the accordion and a keyboard. He was very good and fun. He played all of the old songs and it was a pretty lively group. Of course, Dad sang along with gusto. I did, too. I have a horrible voice, but among 80-90 year olds , who cares! Dad and I held hands when we sang Let me Call you Sweetheart. I went and sat by Don, Dad's roommate during Take Me Out to the Ball Game.

The aide told me that Dad has been having very vivid dreams lately. He will sing in his sleep (I think that is great, since he sings a lot any way), sometimes he speaks a little German. He will ask where Geneva is (my mother who passed away over 5 years ago) or tell her something as if she is right next to him (I believe she probably is).

In the past month, Dad has had 2 seizures. His left arm and leg will go rigid and his eyes will turn to the left. He will shake for about 2-3 minutes and it is over. He is very aware before and after. My sister and I, along with his doctor, have agreed to slowly take him off his two Alzheimer's medications as one may cause seizures. Since he has been on it for about 4-5 years, it might be the cause. If he has another seizure, he might have to be put on medication to prevent them. We hate to do that as one side effect is that it makes you sleepy. We want to keep Dad as alert as possible. Hopefully, he won't have another, but we don't know. We do know that at almost 90, we will not put him through any tests to try to determine the cause.

Overall, I had a great visit with Dad. After a moment or two he knew who I was and called me by name several times. That is always good. It is great to be able to take him outside. He enjoys it so much.

A very short time after I left, my sister called him from Atlanta. She asked him some questions. Did you have any visitors today? No. Was there entertainment today, like music and singing? No. Did you go outside? No.

Oh, well.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy. You're the best. Always were and always will be.