Family Dynamics

It seems the last couple of years my family is falling apart.


There have been a lot of changes starting with my Mom's death in 2003.


A year later my sister and her husband moved to Atlanta, where their two sons settled years before. Sue and Marty's house was always the place where large family events took place that included both families- holidays, birthdays, picnics. So, this alone had a huge impact. No more place to gather, no more semi-regular merging of two families, who had spent so many years and so many celebrations together.


Not that I blame or resent Sue and Marty for moving. They had retired and why stay in Wisconsin when they could be closer to their sons and also in a much better climate? They have a beautiful home outside of Atlanta and have made a wonderful life for themselves. They are happy and I am happy for them. I love visiting them, which I do often.



Through circumstances I won't explain and which I truly don't fully understand, my nephew and his wife withdrew from his parents life in Georgia. They have chosen not to be involved and to keep their children apart from their grandparents. The hurt and pain this has caused my sister and brother-in-law is enormous. They have been great parents to both their sons and welcomed their daughter-in-law into the family. They were thrilled with their son's choice of a wife and when their first grandchild was born - well, there would be no better people to be grandparents then they are. Although they understand that there were some problems and misunderstandings, they have tried to make things work. Yet all attempts by them to rectify the situation, including the suggestion family counseling, have been shot down.

This, too, had a huge effect on the both sides of the extended family, probably more so than my nephew and his wife could ever imagine. It put the rest of us in bad positions. From my own stand point, I truly love my nephew and his wife. They are great people and wonderful and loving parents. Their two kids are adorable and I love them so much. While I am usually able to spent an hour or two when I am down visiting, it is awkward. It is like the proverbial "elephant in the room." We are friendly and try to talk about everything else except the relationship that has been severed. And, I always feel I am on a tightrope. Will they someday shut me out, too? I simply don't understand. My nephew was raised in a loving home, the same home that included all of the great family gatherings. How can he just walk away from all of us?


My sisters and I were raised in a family that, while small, always included the aunts, uncles and cousins. I have such great memories of my grandparents and extended family. We all feel strongly about "family." All of my nephews have wonderful memories of their grandparents and great grandparents. Yet, here I have a great nephew and niece who don't even know their grandparents and maybe have a slight memory of me. I don't get it.


In the past year or so, my other sister, Linda, has had a string of bad luck. Starting with a couple of injuries that prevented her from working, her life has spiraled downward. She has made some bad choices throughout her life and, to be honest, a little difficult to deal with. But, she also had a big heart and in her own way, a loving nature.

Recent events involving my father, which I also won't explain in detail, has caused a huge rift and complete mistrust of Linda. Legal action was involved. Her actions have been totally unacceptable and hugely disappointing to Sue, t me and to our family. This has caused a complete alienation between my two sisters. And while I am sorely disappointed in Linda, there is still slight communication between us. Yet, from what I see, she is still making bad decisions regarding what she does and with whom she spends her time with. And because of her actions and her own anger (at what I don't know), she has alienated herself from her best friend and other parts of her family. Linda alone has caused this, but she is blaming everyone else. As I know, it is easier to blame others than to take a good hard look at yourself and admit you were wrong. And even harder yet to apologise and make amends. She denies any wrong doing and refused to make amends. In her own words, "I won't kiss anyone's ass." Oh, well . . . we all make our own choices in life.


Then there is my other nephew, my sister's son. He, too, can be a very loving and caring person and has been very helpful to me. He is a good father to his children and loves his wife. He is a hard worker and has become a very impressive "handy man." Yet, it seems that he, too, is full of anger. How many phone calls have I received where he is yelling at me or venting about someone else. How many times has he screamed at me only to hang up the phone. He will get the whole family upset and by the next day or so, act as though nothing is wrong. The attitude is, "Oh, well - you know how I am." Again, very much like his mother, he can hear only what he wants to hear and interpret things the way he "hears" them, not as they were said. My sister and brother-in-law have also been the victims of this verbal abuse and have now stepped away from his life. While they love him and his family and feel terrible about having to come to this decision, for them "enough is enough." What he doesn't understand is that after yeas of his bursts of anger and verbal ranting, we are all getting tired of dealing with it. Now, let me say one thing on his behalf. He is trying to control these "rants." However, it might very well be too little, too late.


I feel that someone in the family has to keep communication open between all of us and have tried, not to much success, to be that one. Not that I am perfect. I have said things I shouldn't have and have done things that weren't in the best interest of myself or my family. I know that I,too, have caused problems over the years. Yet, I love my family - my sisters, my nephews and the "greats" (nephews and nieces). Sometimes I feel very bewildered all that has transpired.


But, I am getting tired. Tired of the drama of being yelled at over the phone. Tired of feeling on pins and needles when I only want to spend time with my "greats" and make sure they know me and how much I love them. Tired of trying to understand how a son who was raised by such loving and supportive parents can shut the door on them. Tired of dealing with a sister who prefers men who abuse her and to hang out with people who abuse drugs and alcohol. Worse of all, whose actions jeopardised our father's well-being. Tired of being screamed at and having my words, and the words of other, twisted into other meanings.

Someone very wise once said, "You are a reflection of those you people surround yourself with."

Several years ago a woman I know told me that after her mother died she would no longer have any contact with several of her siblings and their families. She said she had had a lifetime of dealing with their dramas and problems which include illegal activities, drug and alcohol abuse. While her mother is still alive she feels obligated to see with them on a limited bases such as holidays and a few family events. But, all that will stop one day and her relationship with them would be over. Permanently.

I questioned this friend. How could she walk away from family? She told me to ask myself a hypothetical question. If I had the chance to met members of my family - not knowing who they were - and spend an hour with each of them, long enough that I got a feel of what type of a person they were, how many of them would I really choose to see again? How many of them would I want as my friends, to be a part of my life? Would I really want to associate with some of them?


Now I am beginning to understand. And while I will aways hope there will be resolution and will always feel it is wrong purposely keep some family members apart, especially where children are involved, the drama is getting old. I know every family goes through difficult times, arguments and stress. Yet, hopefully, we grow together and as we do, more understanding develops. But, if people don't want to try to resolve problems, try to understand the hurt they cause and do something about it, I can't keep trying to make it work.

Within the next two years I will be making major life changes including marriage, retirement and a move to Georgia. I will be a 1,000 miles away from a portion of my family and within a couple of hours to others. Maybe things will be better. Maybe they won't. Maybe I, too, will have to say "enough is enough."

I hope not.

Father's Day

Today I went to see Dad, who is in a health care center and has Alzheimer's.

When I got there, right after lunch, he was in line waiting to be taken to the bathroom. He is in a wheelchair and wears Depends. He was a mess. The aide explained that he still can feed himself, so they let him as they want him to keep these skills as long as possible. Makes sense, but despite the large bib the aides drape him in before a meal, he gets food every where. But, 15 minutes later he was cleaned up, pottied and ready to go.

It was a lovely day here so I pushed him around the grounds. The minute we got out of the building and into the fresh air he said, "Boy, this feels good!" I pointed out all of the blooming flowers and flower baskets. We checked out the height of the river after all the storms we have had here lately. We both enjoyed our walk.

Back inside the facility had entertainment . . . I guess for Father's Day. It was a man playing the accordion and a keyboard. He was very good and fun. He played all of the old songs and it was a pretty lively group. Of course, Dad sang along with gusto. I did, too. I have a horrible voice, but among 80-90 year olds , who cares! Dad and I held hands when we sang Let me Call you Sweetheart. I went and sat by Don, Dad's roommate during Take Me Out to the Ball Game.

The aide told me that Dad has been having very vivid dreams lately. He will sing in his sleep (I think that is great, since he sings a lot any way), sometimes he speaks a little German. He will ask where Geneva is (my mother who passed away over 5 years ago) or tell her something as if she is right next to him (I believe she probably is).

In the past month, Dad has had 2 seizures. His left arm and leg will go rigid and his eyes will turn to the left. He will shake for about 2-3 minutes and it is over. He is very aware before and after. My sister and I, along with his doctor, have agreed to slowly take him off his two Alzheimer's medications as one may cause seizures. Since he has been on it for about 4-5 years, it might be the cause. If he has another seizure, he might have to be put on medication to prevent them. We hate to do that as one side effect is that it makes you sleepy. We want to keep Dad as alert as possible. Hopefully, he won't have another, but we don't know. We do know that at almost 90, we will not put him through any tests to try to determine the cause.

Overall, I had a great visit with Dad. After a moment or two he knew who I was and called me by name several times. That is always good. It is great to be able to take him outside. He enjoys it so much.

A very short time after I left, my sister called him from Atlanta. She asked him some questions. Did you have any visitors today? No. Was there entertainment today, like music and singing? No. Did you go outside? No.

Oh, well.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy. You're the best. Always were and always will be.

What to do?

I've been thinking about my previous blog about the church festivals. I went to one last night with my gal pal, Terri, who is single and would really like meet a man and establish a good relationship. She, along with my other single women friends who are single and would like to be in a relationship, complain that there is no place to go to meet men.

Well, obviously, I would rule out church festivals!

But, seriously, being single about 80% of my adult life, I can relate.

I have several women friends who after their divorces just dropped out of the dating scene or never really got started in it. They focused on raising their kids, building their careers and being involved in various interests, both their own and that of their children. They stated that the time flew by, but now the kids are leaving the nest. All at once they realize they would love to start dating, but how? After so many years of focusing on others - both children and volunteer work - it is hard for them to now focus on themselves in a more personal way.

Then I know of a couple of women who made a choice not to date, not to even think about becoming involved. One dear friend told me it has been well over 7 years since she has . . . ahhh - "been" with a man. And, she went on to say that she has accomplished so much in her life and it has been a period of tremendous growth in all aspects of her life. No regrets. However, she is beginning to feel the time is now right to be in a relationship.

Of course, there are many, many ways to meet someone of the opposite sex and everyone out there can give advice as to how to go about it. There are even shelves of books on the subject.

All of my single women friends who would love to be in relationships are attractive, smart women. They have many different interests, are educated, well read people. They keep up with current events and are very self-sufficient. They work hard, do volunteer work and are good friends to their friends.

And, me? I don't have the answers on how to find and maintain a good, loving relationship.
I guess it is all a matter of being open to what may happen while going about living your life in the way you want. And, if you meet someone, looking deep into them and finding that spark - that light - that is more than superficial.

As my mom use to say, "if it happens, it happens." And, while this is true, it's not much consolation on a cold winter night!

Getting too old for this . . .

Here in Wisconsin, many of the Catholic churches have some type of festival during the summer months to raise money for the parish. Some of these are huge, with games, food and various stages with rock bands playing.

When I was in my 20's I use to hit the circuit of church festivals with my single girlfriends every summer. We would scope out the men, dance, drink and have a good time. It was like going to a bar, but being outside under a tent. As I recall, I had a lot of fun. But then I was young and I was drinking.

After my divorce in 1997/98 several of my women friends liked to go to these festivals for basically the same reasons, although most now say they like go there to listen to the music. Yeah, right.

Older and not drinking it didn't take me long to realize that I really didn't enjoy church festivals any more. And, I didn't enjoy anything along this line of entertainment. After a few beers my friends were in a place I wasn't and would never again be. I hate the crowds and being jostled around. People smoke. The smells are yucky in the tents where the music is playing - smoke and beer. Punky kids show up. It's not pleasant.

But, once or twice a summer my women friends drag me out to a festival. Tonight was one such night. Phil is at home this weekend with his daughters and a little under the weather. I stayed in Milwaukee and made plans with Terri and Martha to go to St. Roman's festival. I dreaded it all week. For a while it looked like it would get rained out. I suggested Plan B - dinner and a movie - particularly "Sex in the City." Sounded like a great girl night out to me. Unfortunately, the weather cleared. And, Terri really needed to get out of the house. Martha couldn't make it so Terri and I ventured to the tents of St. Romans.

And, it was the same old, same old. In fact, in the 10 years I have been divorced I have gone maybe once or twice a year to these festivals with Terri and/or Martha and I see the same faces. Jeez. Same music, same beer smells, same cigarette smoke, same drunks. While I enjoyed Terri's company, I was miserable being there.

So, I'm done with all of the type of "entertainment."

Phil wants to go to SummerFest in a couple of weeks. We have a long weekend planned of hanging out in this area. I agreed. But, during the day only. By early evening when the crowds show up and the heavy drinking starts, I want to be long gone.

Been there. Done that. Over it.

Dinner and a movie, girlfriends?

Floods

Here in the mid-west we are flooding.

While I have had some water in my basement, which my shop vac sucked up rather well, my co-worker, Judy, had 3 1/2 feet in her basement. They lost quite a bit of stuff. Luckily, it was clear water, not sewage back up, which is also happening all over the area.

In southern Wisconsin houses have been washed off their foundations, cars have been seen floating away, roads closed, bridges out, dams threatening to break.

It is still raining tonight and rain is in the forecast all weekend.

Last Saturday night while I was in Michigan visiting Sally (who as of Wednesday is finally at home!) my doggie sitter spent hours in my basement due to tornado warning and bad storms.

We Midwesterners are made of hardy stock. We survived this past winter with its 90+ inches of snow and we will survive this.

But, whatever happened to calm weather? What is normal weather? How will the farmers deal with soggy fields?

What is Mother Nature up to?

How Does My Garden Grow?

Last winter looking out my windows at over 90+ inches of snow, I didn't think I would ever see green grass or my garden again.

Oh, me of little faith!

Here's a small sample of my lovely yard.

Miracles

My dear friend, Sally, is a miracle.

After over a week in ICU with an unknown type of pneumonia, she is recovering. She has been in her own hospital room for a week. Progress is very slow, but she is holding her own and each day getting a little stronger and a little more progress made.

If I had to guess how long she has been in the hospital, it has to be going on over a month. She should be discharged this week and moved to a rehab center in Water Vliet - much closer to her home than Kalamazoo where she is now.

But, she can't walk without a lot of assistance. The first few days out of ICU she couldn't move her arms well or use her fingers. Her eye sight isn't real good. She has panic and anxiety attacks when she thinks she will not be able to draw in a breath. And, while her lungs continue to improve a little each day, last week one did collapse 50%. She has undergone painful procedures. She is on a lot of meds.

Her life in rehab will be difficult - learning how to walk again, care for herself, breath without the anxiety attacks. She is on meds for depression and anxiety.

But - she is alive. She is making progress. She will go home (probably in mid to late June).

Sally will be a changed person. Deeply spiritual, she does see this as a journey. She feels there is a message in it. Some of us who know her well feel the message is to slow down and not work so hard. So, now she is forced to do so. It will be interesting to hear her perspective.

I have not seen her since she was first admitted to the Kalamazoo hospital. I will visit her in rehab and will stay with her for at least a week (if she chooses) when she finally goes home. I will purchase more bird feeders for her, a couple of humming bird feeds, bird seed and suet. I will make sure they are hung in front of all of her windows so she can watch the birds while she recovers. I will paint her toes nails and rub lotion on her back. I will brush her hair. I will hang on to her when she walks. I will cook for her. I will bring a ton of books and we will read. We'll rent videos starring only good looking men. We will talk of birds, of life, of journeys - both inward and outward. We will talk of our friends, our families and we will talk trash. We will read and laugh, hug and cry. And, this will all be my deep privilege.

She's a miracle. And I am, oh, so very grateful.

Can't Sleep Thoughts

It's after 3:00 am and I can't sleep.
I went back to the doctor yesterday so now I am on round two of meds for bronchitis and a sinus infection. Steroids. Yippee! Also, a cough med that yesterday knocked me on my ass. Hence - when you sleep all day, you can't sleep at night. So instead of tossing and turning I got up, let the dogs out, made a pot of coffee and here I am
Today marks day 6 of missing work due to this bugga bugga. Actually, though, despite the time of day, I do feel a little better.
No news is good news now regarding Sally (see posts below). She is stable and for 2 days the x-rays showed no more deterioration in her lungs. It is just a waiting game now. I have good feelings about her illness now (if that makes sense). Yes, she will be in the hospital for weeks and weeks if not months, but I have a more positive "gut" feeling she will pull through this.
Hey, street cleaners just went by! What do you know! And, of course, there is a car parked smack in front of my house, so the litter will still be there. Go figure.
Amazing activities in the 'hood at 3 am.
My dear brother-in law, Marty, has a brother who is dying. Gordon, who is 80, has been ill for the past few years. This has been expected. It is difficult, but his death will end his suffering and I believe the family is at peace with it.

My flowers are looking good, but the beds really need cleaning. Too tired and weary to do them lately. Maybe on Saturday I will feel like working in the garden a little. It is probably the best thing I could do for my soul right about now.

Sunday is Mother's Day. Over five years now since Mom has been gone. Hard to believe. I don't think I will be sad on Sunday, but more and more thankful each Mother's Day that I had such a great and loving Mom.

Think I will have another cup of joe and try going back to bed.
Ahhhhh, sweet slumber!

Perspectives

I'm trying to put things in perspective. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.



While my dear friend, Sally, is fighting for her life on a ventilator, I've been home for a week with a sinus infection and bronchitis. Now, that is comparing apples to oranges. I can breathe on my own. I can drive myself to the doctor and get stronger meds to make me better. Sally is trapped inside herself. Our friend, Amy, said maybe this is all part of a spiritual journey she needs to take. Sally is a "shaman in training." I know she would appreciate and value that thought as I do.



As I do things around the house, as I'm able, I think of Sally. She was with me the day I closed on my house. The first thing she did when we walked in was to check it for security. Sally, 20-year veteran of the Chicago police force, wanted to make sure I'd be safe. Then, with sage, salt and water, we smudged my home. Going to every corner from the basement to the attic and all around the yard, we chanted some lines and added another layer of safety and love to my home. I will never forget to the smudging with her. It was an act of love between the two of us. She was so proud of me for buying my own home.



Breathe, Sally, Breathe.



Sally with her lotions and potions. In my shower I have Tate's All Natural Miracle Conditioner. On our trip to Costa Rica a few years ago with gal pal, Miki, Sally brought along this product she found in a health food store. We marveled over all of its uses. Upon my return home I ordered it, along with the shampoo. It is the only product I have ever used to keep my dry scalp from flaking. How many times I have sat with Sally while she applied different facials to my face, made out of oatmeal or honey or whatever? How many times has she handed me a bottle of lotion, "Here, try this. And, while your at it, rub some on my back." "Smell this, Julie Ann. Isn't it fabulous? Put some on." "Let me give you a manicure" "Here," tossing me a hair brush," Would you please brush my hair? I'll brush yours when you are done!" "Want to go for a massage while I'm there?" "Oh, girl, this is just the best stuff." Try it, smell it, put some on. Oh, Sally - you taught me to pamper myself.



Breathe, Sally, Breathe.



In Sedona we sat in the cold on the vortex, stealing looks at each other to see if we were really feeling the earth's energy. We climbed down canyons to watch the sun dance off the river onto the canyon walls. We climbed in caves to hold ritual. We sat in silence at the condo, each reading books we would pass on to each other.



Breathe, Sally, Breathe.



I take little walks around my small yard, watching the progress of the shrubs and flowers. The weeping crab apple tree Phil bought me several years ago is about ready to bloom. My lilac bush is not only all green, but the little flowers are growing like crazy. Only my Rose of Sharon's are just starting to show signs of life. They are always late bloomers. The neighborhood smells of newly cut grass. A smell Sally and I both like.



Breathe, Sally, Breathe.



I think of walking around Ronora together. The land, so special and sacred. Arm and arm we would walk, enjoying the beauty. Sally would see the woodland spirits, something I was never able to see. That's OK, though. She believes in them and sees them.

Breathe, Sally, Breathe.



Sally told Amy the night before her lung biopsy, that she dreamt of a big brown bear. I read Amy the attributes of the bear totum. Power. And hibernation. Sally is a powerful woman, as well as a soulful woman. Maybe the bear was telling her to nurture her power now and go into a deep sleep to preserve her strength. Sally would appreciate that.



It is the time of renewal, of hope of life. May Sally's lungs find the renewal, that life and give all of us hope.

Helpless

Tonight one of my dearest friends is in the ICU of a hospital in Kalamazoo, MI fighting for her life

Sally, my chosen sister, my confidant, my travel gal pal, my friend.

I'm so very afraid we will lose her.

After almost a week in a smaller hospital with what they thought was pneumonia, she was transferred to a larger hospital in a larger city that has a pulmonary unit. A week later, she is on a ventilator which is doing 100% of her breathing.

The cause? We don't know. She had a lung scope, which showed nothing. A lung biopsy, which was sent to California for tests. The part of the lung taken for the biopsy was spongy and crumbly. Every X-Ray shows her lungs deteriorating.

What the hell is going on? She had a bad case of pneumonia about 4 years ago and, like me, usually gets a bad case of bronchitis every year or so. But this?

Sally is a physically strong, vibrant woman. She went from having trouble breathing to oxygen to a ventilator. Jesus!

A long time good friend of Sally's, Amy, has been with her for almost a week. Another true chosen sister, Amy has been dealing with the doctors, nurses and friends who want to see her, touch her and make sure she is OK. However, in the highest level of ICU visiting hours are 3 times a day for 20 minutes. Sally is on morphine and basically out of it. Amy is burned out herself, even with taking time to care for herself.

I was there last Wednesday through Thursday when I heard she was transferred. She had called me on Tuesday, excited to be going home and I offered to come up for the weekend and take care of her and she gladly accepted. She had a turn for the worse that same night and unfortunately, by the weekend she was in the ICU. I returned home Thursday night, sick with my annual case of a sinus infection and bronchitis.

However, while I was there I was able to talk to her a little, hold her hand, rub her head, tell her it would all be OK. It is hard to see someone struggle to breath.

Jesus. What the hell is going on? Where are her test results. She is in "fair" condition and nothing is working.

My last post I wrote about prayer. While I'm praying now. Praying that those test show something that can be treatable. Praying that she keeps being the fighter I know she is and that she hangs in there as long as it takes. Praying that all of the prayers from me and the dozens and dozens of people who know and love Sally are surrounding her with healing white light and love.

Please, Sally, just hold on.

Some Thoughts on Prayer

My oldest nephew was potty trained pretty early. The only thing the he a difficult time with was wiping his butt after pooping. Being a thoughtful little boy, he would call for his Mom to come clean him up. But, after a couple of weeks, my sister felt he could do it himself and told him that he was now a big boy and big boys wiped their own butts. Now, my nephew was raised a UU, but his grandparents were Lutheran and he was exposed to prayers and had asked about what they were and was given a good Lutheran answer (whatever that may be). One day he told him Mom he was going potty. She got busy with things and after a few minutes thought things were too quiet for comfort. She looked for him high and low and finally found him still on the toilet, his head bowed, eyes shut, hands folded. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Mommy," he said, "I'm just praying to God that you'll come wipe my butt!" (Sorry - John, but after 38 years, that is still funny and sweet.)

I think that day a prayer might have been answered, but after that the kid was left up to his own devises!

One of my Church Ladies friends, who is a seminary student, UU and fellow blogger, wrote a blog post on prayer, which got me thinking. Check out http://www.earthbound-spirit.blogspot.com/

I have struggled with prayer all of my life, until a couple of years ago. Who was I suppose to pray to? Heck, my prayers were never answered, so why bother? What should I pray for? Can I bargain with God? Who is this God? And why would He bother answering my prayers when there were so many, many other prayers sent to Him much more important than mine.

Through a long series of events in my life and after searching for a long time, I was led to the Unitarian Universalist church. What a concept - they didn't really pray. . . they meditated. Hmmm, could that be a form of prayer? When they did pray, it wasn't like the Lutheran prayers I was brought up with. Not to the God in the sky or to Jesus on a cross. They prayed but to a higher power, to the Creator of the earth, to Mother Nature.

Shortly after I discovered the UU church I took a workshop entitled "Cakes for the Queen of Heaven." The curriculum was written by UU minister Shirley Rank and opened up a whole new world for me at the time. The feminine in the divine. The Goddess. Mother Nature. Finally, something I could grab on to, something I could understand.

Being a lifelong tree hugger (I truly hugged trees as a kid) and nature lover, seeing the divine in Nature, the beauty that was all around me and being able to be with people who understood how I could find my higher power in Nature was wonderful. It led me to a women's spirituality (my Church Ladies) group and to another workshop entitled, "Rise Up and Call Her Name," continuation of "Cakes for the Queen of Heaven." This led to serving for over 3 years on the UU Central Midwest District of Women & Religion www.womenandreligion.org which involved the planning of a annual winter conference (WomanSpirit) and a summer women's retreat at Ronora www.ronora.org . As part of the conferences and retreats, there was a heavy emphasis on ritual work. Writing, developing and participating in various rituals became almost second nature to me. It was fun, rewarding and fulfilling in many ways - both in group ritual and the small, quiet rituals I did for just myself. And I still participate, enjoy and look forward to both types of rituals.

But what does all of this have to do with prayer?

As I participated in ritual, assisted with sweat lodges, drummed, danced and talked with other women I found myself opening to the thought and action of prayer. How it came in all different forms - not only with hands folded and head bowed, but dancing, laughing, drumming, sweating, singing and ritual. I began to understand that prayer was and could be, to me, both meditation and action.

Over the years my thoughts and beliefs have changed and grown, but in my late 30s and into well into my 40s, this all had a huge, positive impact on me. And, slowly prayer came into my life.

There is a Garth Brooks song - Unanswered Prayers, in which he sings about a woman he loved and wanted as a young man. He prayed that he would have her forever. At the time he thought that what he was praying for was want he truly wanted in life. But this prayer was never answered and they went their own ways. In reflection many years later he realized that it was a blessing. He couldn't imagine what his life would have been like if that prayer would have been answered. He realized he was so happy with the way his life turned out, the way it was. One of God's greatest gifts is unanswered prayers.

When I first heard that song it was a "aha" moment. Maybe for all those years I was praying for the wrong things and, who knows, maybe even praying to the wrong . . . well, thing (person, deity, saint, God?). Maybe my life was turning out just as it meant to be - rocky roads, pot holes and all. Maybe my prayers had been answered, but just not quite as I expected them to be.

Ahhh, not the way I expected them to be.

Are my prayers now being answered? Yes. No. Maybe. I'm no longer focused on the answer, but rather the intent.

So, now when I pray it is usually a prayer of gratitude. Gratitude for my life - as it is, as it will become. I pray for loved ones in need, I pray for those I don't know, but need help. I pray that all is well in my world and the world around me.

I find myself praying in nature without even being aware of it. Planting flowers, hiking, walking the dogs, seeing birds in flight and the leaves changing in the fall. Prayers are all around me if I stop to look and listen. Sometimes prayer and states of grace go hand in hand.

I pray as a leap of faith - that there is something out there that is hearing me, listening to me. I believe there is.

I pray because I truly believe the energy we put forth in prayer makes its way to where we send it - a loved one who is sick, a friend in need, a thought for a better world. I see my prayers as bluish-white light, as a beam being sent out from my heart, my soul.

Who do I pray to? While if it is a active thoughtful prayer (not in a state of grace as in nature) I pray to both the Mother and the Father as I see my higher power as a mixture of both (with a little more emphasis on the feminine).

And I end my prayer with "Blessed Be. Amen." A nod to both my current Earth-Based spiritual beliefs and the God I was raised with.

And, sometimes I end them with this - Merry meet, merry part and merry met again. The circle is open, but never broken. Blessed be.

The Caffeine Test

Thanks, Earthbound-Spirit, for another fun quiz. This, after eating a chocolate donut!

Click link to take the test: http://www.oneplusyou.com/q/v/caffeine

New Girl In Town

Four generations: Terri, Lindsey with Taylor, and Terri' s Mom, Pam

My gal pal, Terri, became a grandmother for the 2nd time last week. Her daughter, Lindsey, had a little girl, Taylor Elizabeth. Taylor joins her big brother, Payton. Unfortunately, all I had was my phone camera. Terri sent me the beautiful picture above.

Hey - when Lindsey discovered her baby was a girl and decided on the name Taylor Elizabeth, no one "got" the reverse of the name of a very beautiful and talented actress! I think Taylor will be even more beautiful and talented in what ever she wants to be!

Jeremy, Taylor's daddy, just returned from Iraq and is now in Kansas. He will met his daughter on Friday. This was Jeremy's second tour in Iraq. Thank goodness he is home safe and sound. And, to make it even better - everyone in his unit came home!

Here is a proud big brother!

I guess it isn't always easy being a big brother!

Listening to the Rain

I'm listening to the rain.

It's a nice, calming sound.

Phil drove back home tonight after coming up late this afternoon. He just called to say he arrived home safe and sound and that it was raining down there, too. We both said it would be a nice night to snuggle and listen to the rain together. Oh, well . . . sometimes 76 miles seems like 1,076 miles.

The good thing about listening to the rain is I won't have to go out and shovel it!

More on Friendship

This past week I had the pleasure of spending time in Atlanta with my gal pal, Anne-Marie, who flew over from her home in Ireland.

We stayed with my sister & brother-in-law, Sue and Marty, who were wonderful hosts to both of us (well, I'm there A LOT as it is). Anne-Marie thoroughly enjoyed Sue and Marty as well as their great home.

Anne-Marie and I don't see each other a lot due to living on different continents, but when we do see each other it is like the years and miles fall away. We truly enjoy each other's company and travel well together. She is friendly and easy going and up to try anything.

Highlights included Callaway Gardens, Anna Ruby Falls, hiking the Appalachian Trail for about 4/10 of a mile - just long enough so that she can honestly say she was on it (after explaining to her what it is all about), and hiking up Brasstown Bald Mountain.

Philip flew down on Thursday and treated all of us to a great time (despite the cold and rain) at a Braves game. Marty caught a fly ball and presented it Anne-Marie and Phil arranged for her to receive a "goodies" package which included a Braves hat. Phil drove us drove down to Reynolds Plantation so Anne-Marie could see where we plan to purchase a home and live. I am so pleased that the 2 of them finally had a chance to get to know each other.

It was a busy week. Anne-Marie loves to shop so there was a lot of stores (ahhh, those Brighton bags!). And, there were wonderful chats over the tea pot.

Now she's back home and so am I. I feel a little empty. I miss her company and her laughter. We parted with no immediate plans to see each other, although we discussed the possibility of meeting in Rome or someplace in Spain within the next year or so. Maybe I'll go back to Ireland for a 4th time and we'll tour Northern Ireland or southeastern Ireland - places I haven't been yet. Maybe Phil will come along and golf while we talk and shop.

What I do know is I'm blessed with the friendship of this kind and generous woman. I know our friendship will last until neither of us are able to pick up the phone and call or text each other! And, I also know that the next time we are together it will time time filled with chatter and love.

Will It Never End?

I have had it with winter. I hate it and I want out! We are in the midst of a spring blizzard today. Yuck.



Having SAD is bad enough and makes every winter difficult, but this winter has been the worse on my psyche than any other I can remember.



The last week of somewhat nicer weather, the melting of 90% of the 80+ inches of snow we have had (and I have personally shoveled), has just been a tease. Not only for me, who was thrilled to see my daffodils pushing up, but for my dogs, too.


Lucy Lou, my "outside" girl, was spending more and more time sniffing the grass she hadn't seen in 4 months and finding spots of afternoon sun to it in. Both dogs are restless. We had started our long walks again and now - well, none of us likes walking in the snow and ice.


Phil has told me several times that we only have two more winters to go before our retirement. If the next one is as bad as this winter has been, I may just quit and find a beach to bum food on for the next the rest of my life!


What a drag this winter has been.


Oh, yeah . . . Happy Spring!

Piano Man

Sunday night my boyfriend and I (along with my nephew and his wife, Patrick & Pam) saw Billy Joel at the Bradley Center.

He rocked the house down.

It was also a great reminder of the influence his man as had over music during the last 30+ years. He's been around, he's a survivor. He's the piano man.

However, he didn't sing one of my favorites, "Uptown Girl." Maybe Christy got the rights!

But, if you want to hear it, try this link (he still had hair in this video!):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2F-nt7aC_JQ&feature=related

If you ever get the chance - go see him. It was a great show.

Good Reads

Just finished a couple of books I would like to recommend. While I won't really get into the story details (you can google the books and read about them on your own), I would like to offer my opinion them.

First - One Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini. Hosseini also wrote The Kite Runner, a book I enjoyed tremendously. This takes place in Afghanistan, starting in the 1970s through around 2004. It is the story of 2 women, a generation apart, who come together and become each other's life lines.

I have to say this book is one of the most powerful books I have ever read (well, I listened to it on CD). It is well-written, spares no details on what live was like in the city of Kabul during this time period of communist rule, its downfall and the rise and fall (? if it really has) of the Taliban and of what life was like for women these time periods.

If you love to read, this book is a must for anyone. I would love to discuss it further.


Next is Body Surfing by Anita Shreve. I've read several of her books and enjoy them. It was a good read and a good examination of families and the interactive active relationships within them and the sometimes risk it takes to love again. Shreve is not for everyone and I will admit there was one of her books I didn't finish, but Body Surfing is pretty good.

And, finally, I FINISHED Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett. What can I say? It wasn't one of my all time favoritesm it was interesting and had a very good story line. I'd recommend it if you have a long time to read it! Great history of medival England, the Church and all of the politics, written around several love stories and the story of a monk who dreamed of building a catherdral.

Voting

I was 174th at my voting precinct today when I walked in at 3:50 pm.

I have to admit, I was undecided as to who I would vote for. For me, there were two great choices. I've done my reading, mulled over the issues, even discussed the candidates with others (which I NEVER do as I really hate politics) and I still wasn't sure.

So, there I stood, ballot in front of me, still debating. What to do? Who to vote for?

I made a decision and drew the line to complete the voting arrow.

This was the first time in all the years that I have been voting that the decision was so difficult for me to make.

For me, it was the right decision. However, I have faith in the other candidate.

What a mess.

One other note: Why is Hillary Clinton always referred to as "Hillary" and Barack Obama always referred to as "Obama?" Has anyone else noticed this?

Life's Persistent Questions

As part of its adult education program, my church offers UUnity Circles. The circles are a group of 7 to 10 adults who meet approximately every 3 weeks. Each circle has a "theme" that they discuss. For example: there is one entitled "This I Believe" based on the NPR program and yet another is geared towards discussing Buddhism, and another may discuss spirituality in every day life.

The groups are formed "as a way for people to explore their deepest understanding of life in the midst of a community of faith" as stated in the brochure promoting the circles. When I heard about the UUnity circles I was interested, excited and eager to join. I am not an active member of my church so I thought this would be one way to still be part of the church community.

The group I selected was "Life's Persistent Questions." Each person (there are 10 of us) put several questions into a "hat" and each time we meet we discuss one or two questions.We meet in each other's homes. The meetings begin with the chalice lighting, a short reading chosen by the host or hostess, a check-in from each person and then the discussion, followed by another reading at the end. We meet promptly from 7 to 9 pm.

This time the question was: Suppose that today were the last day of your life. As you think back over your life, what were your happiest, most joyful and/or meaningful experiences or relationships and what have you accomplished that makes you the most proud?

I have really been thinking about this. Up until about 5 or 6 years ago I would tend to think about the negative things I had done - and there are plenty! I remember shortly after I bought my house I was commiserating about what I saw as all negatives in my life. I was with my gal pal, Sally. Finally she got fed up listening to me and basically said, "Girl - look around you. You own a home. You have a good, stable job. You have a loving family and lots of caring friends. Wake up and smell the coffee!" And, slowly I began to see things differently. With the help of good friends, supportive family and a good man in my life, I realized there are and I have done far more good than bad and I should be proud of what I have accomplished thus far.

But thinking about them and then discussing them openly with others seems like tooting your own horn. The old negatives creep in: I'm not college educated. I don't have a high paying "power" job. I haven't had a successful marriage. I don't have wonderful children (or any children). I haven't gone back to school mid-life. I haven't served in the Peace Corp or raised millions for charity or yadda, yadda, yadda.

See a pattern here: NOT, DON'T, HAVEN'T - all negatives. So, what have I done that I am proud of? What are my most joyful and/or meaningful experiences? Well, here's goes. Not in necessarily in any order unless otherwise stated, here is what I talked about:

First and this is the most important accomplishment of my life because without having done it I deeply believe I would not be here right now. On August 29, 1993 I walked into an AA meeting for the first time. I have remained sober since. I have been active in meetings, made some wonderful, awesome friends and have turned my life around in every single aspect. This hasn't made me a perfect person by any means and boy, do I have my faults, but it gave me the tools to live my life in a much better way then I had lived up until that day in August, 1993. Thank God I took that first step and thank God for Bill W. and Dr. Bob. All the good in my life since that day in 1993 is a direct result of being in AA.

Through instinct or just being blessed, I have surrounded myself with good people. Good friends who I treasure and love more then they will ever know. From gal pals that I have had since childhood, to my wonderful church ladies, co-workers who became friends. They have loved me and supported me and put up with shit from me, hanging in there for whatever it was worth. I only hope that I have been there for them when they needed me and that they know I will always be available to them.

One of my greatest accomplishments (not sure that is the correct term) is being a bone marrow donor. Having been an avid blood donor most of my adult life and just over one year into my sobriety, I was able to donate bone marrow to a young, vibrant woman who had leukemia. Becky is healthy and happy, all these years later. We have stayed in touch, much to my joy. She has a wonderful husband and they have adopted 3 great kids. It was such an easy thing to do, yet had such a huge impact on so many people besides myself - Becky (obviously), her husband, Cary, their families and friends. And, there are 3 little kids in Michigan who have awesome, loving parents because of me. And, again, it was soooo easy!

Through some other grace, I have been with my job (albeit in a ton of different positions) for over 30 years now. The word "pension" and "security" that my parents pounded into my head must have stuck! I haven't always been happy with my job, but right now I am in the best place I couple possibly be and look forward to retiring in less then 3 years. Halleluiah!

Shortly after my divorce I became involved with a very loving and caring man who was raising his 4 children on his own. Because this was my first "sober" romantic relationship, I look on it as the first "adult" relationship I had to this point. While we were only together for a year, this relationship had a huge impact on how I look at loving relationships and what I really wanted in a relationship. During the course of that year I became very close to his youngest daughter. For a few years after we broke up, I remained close to her and spent a lot of time with her. Both relationships, with him and his daughter taught me I deserve the type of love I always wanted and dreamed about and, it taught me that I would have been a good mother if I would have had children (and been sober). I learned so much about myself during this time.

In the late summer of 1999, with no money and no resources, I bought my house. For someone who lived and continues to live, barely from paycheck to paycheck, I think this is a great accomplishment. I love my house (see previous, older posts). It is my home.

As I grow older I have deepen my appreciation of nature. From puttering in my little garden to hiking up mountains, down canyons, or walking along the beach of an ocean, nature is everywhere. Many, many of my greatest experiences or times of joy happened experiencing nature - zip lining in Costa Rica, seeing the land of Georgia while I sky dived, looking out of a cave in Sedona, AZ, the mountains in Ireland, the lochs in Scotland, the birds out of my living room window. Times of pure and simple grace have happened while I was planting annuals in my yard or pulling weeds. I have learned to be open to all of this and let nature show me her beauty.

I have learned the pleasure of simple joys. Playing gin rummy with Phil, laughing with my girlfriends, listening - really listening to people, laughing at the antics of my dogs, watching my great-niece take her first steps and to be, oh, so very grateful and thankful for being given these simple pleasures.

I am glad I really got to know my parents and was able to see them through adult eyes. They are and were wonderful people who truly loved each other and their "girls." They raised us the best they could and did a darn good job. They knew when to help and when to let go. I am blessed to have the parents that I did.

I am sure there will be more accomplishments to come, more happiness and joy - along with the rain that falls into all lives. There are things I would change in my life if I could, things I would do differently. But, overall, I have a good life, a full life and a happy life. I like what I see, and in the end, that is all that matters.